


Three's A Crowd

by ask4more



Category: E.R.
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers, Threesome, Threesome - F/F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-02
Updated: 2015-12-02
Packaged: 2018-05-04 13:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 41,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5335814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ask4more/pseuds/ask4more
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because 1 plus 1 doesn't always equal 2. After returning to Chicago, Susan finds herself in the center of a love triangle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**THREE'S A CROWD**

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is an old story I found in my back-up files and that was never finished and never uploaded - I'm correcting that now.

It starts right after "Secrets and Lies" (8x16), strays into its own universe but follows most major canon events.

DISCLAIMERS: ER is the intellectual property of Constant C Productions, Amblin Entertainment, and Warner Brothers Television. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

It wasn't how Susan had intended to spend her day off, but it ended up going better than she'd expected. While they'd waited for their sexual harassment lecture, she'd had the chance to get to know the others better. Even if it was hard to see herself as a newbie, the truth was that they weren't that many familiar faces left at County.

She could feel Elizabeth's eyes flying daggers her way every time she talked to Mark, so it only made sense that she'd spend more time with Carter, the former clumsy med student who had turned into a rather charming chief resident. It was  _comfortable_ , more than anything.

The biggest surprise of the day was how much she'd enjoyed talking to Abby. Since she'd started at County, the nurse had been almost hostile towards her, openly rolling her eyes at Susan's every request.

They had talked a little about their families, their middle-class upbringings and Susan took a liking to her. She ended up suggesting they'd get drinks sometime. Abby had accepted, mildly embarrassed of the harsh treatment she'd been giving her the last few weeks, but also excited at the prospect of having a social life with someone who made her laugh and wasn't immersed in a bubble of depression.

As Carter walked her back home, Susan mused about Abby's dissertation on chemistry. They had been going out for over two months and they hadn't slept together yet. Susan knew she hadn't really made an effort, sending him home when things got steamy, leaving him frustrated. She knew she was acting on an old crush and she knew their chance had passed. They  _weren't_ in love.

She knew he was in love with Abby and earlier, she had asked her directly what their problem was. Abby had shrugged her shoulders and gave her best guess "Timing".

Still, Susan wanted to scratch that itch and so she had lured him into beers and take away at her apartment. Carter liked her place, it was cozy and welcoming, everything the Carter mansion was  _not_. After she took the chinese take away boxes to the kitchen, Susan almost downed a beer with only one sip and started undressing her clothes.

Carter was sprawled on her couch watching ESPN and he did a double take when he noticed her in her underwear "What are you doing?", he stammered, his voice lower than usual.

She crawled towards him, a smirk dancing on her lips "Second date rule".

He had no idea what she was talking about, but he could ask her  _later_. Susan was unzipping him unceremoniously and he felt himself throbbing at the prospect of what was going to happen.

He had fantasized about this moment for years, as he'd had a crush on her since the first day he started his ER rotation as a third year medical student. She wasn't his assigned resident, but she had spent time talking him through differentials and showing him procedures.

It was inevitable, Carter always fell for women who showed a glimpse of compassion. Plus, she had a beautiful smile, so his younger self was hook, line and sinker.

They were both older now and he enjoyed their dates. They went out for meals, spent time together, but he felt Susan wasn't really invested in deepening their relationship. She picked up on the undefined nature of his own relationship with Abby really quickly and Carter believed it was one of the reasons she kept pulling back when their making out sessions got more intense.

He couldn't deny what he felt for the nurse but he was a man, after all. If a woman he found attractive fumbled with his fly, he wasn't going to say no. Carter groaned when she took him in her mouth, his hand curling instinctively around the back of her neck, afraid that she'd pull away.

She didn't. In fact, she kept alternating between languid strokes on his length and little nips that drove him crazy. It had been a long time since he'd had sex and he didn't want to embarrass himself, so he stroked her shoulder and whispered "Hey... come here...".

She smiled as she noticed perspiration on his temple and his labored breath, her hand now stroking him in a rhythm that soon would be too dangerous. Carter felt like an unprepared teenager and asked eagerly "Do you have condoms?".

Susan stood up gracefully from between his legs and disappeared into her room. She came back in seconds and ripped the condom wrapper with her teeth, her green eyes on him. Carter held his breath in as Susan rolled the condom swiftly on his hard on, he liked confident women. Susan was now straddling him without hesitation, he unhooked her bra and looked at her breasts for the first time. They were naturally full and his hands followed the terrain his eyes had mapped, making her sigh a little at the contact.

Susan moaned when his lips tasted her and his stubble rubbed against the sensitive skin of her nipples. She grabbed him by his hair- she'd always loved his hair -, and kept him close. Carter tried to get her panties out of the way as she was starting to rub her hips in a way that was making him crazy with lust, so he just grabbed them roughly, the elastic breaking around his fingers.

She half winced and half moaned at that and he backed her against the side of the couch and eased into her in a deliberate thrust that drew groans from both of them. Carter kissed her throat, her neck and reveled at how hot and tight she felt around him. Susan's thighs curled around his hips, her hands digging at his lower back, encouraging him to pick up a faster pace.

She sensed that he would come quickly in this position, so she rolled them again, as much as one can on a pull-out couch, until she was straddling him once more, her hands gripping the couch's arm behind his head for support. She started to move her hips in circles, controlling the depth of his penetration and Carter's voice creaked before he cleared his throat "I don't know what got into you... but I like it...".

She deadpanned "You did", she cupped his chin and pulled him into a kiss that was more like a dare than anything else. Carter's vision became blurred and he grabbed her hips in a tight grip, trying to bury himself as deep as he could. Susan moved her hips in an even more frantic rhythm and threw her head back in abandon, her breasts bouncing in front of his eyes and Carter felt himself jerk at the vision, his body spasming violently and his voice abandoning his throat in raw groans.

They collapsed against the cushions and only the sound of their ragged respiration broke the silence. Susan patted his arm and gave him a little smile "Not bad".

Carter kept trying to get his breathing to normal levels and watched her as she padded naked across the living room. He had to close his eyes for a moment because he felt dizzy.

When she returned, she brought him a cold soda and sat next to him cross-legged "Are we on for the 7 am class, tomorrow?".

Susan had coaxed him into becoming her yoga partner. It didn't do much for his back pain but it was always fun to hang out with her. He shrugged, still feeling boneless "Sure...".

She looked closely at the little gash on his face from the fencing incident with Luka "You really made a fool of yourself today...".

He shook his head, like he didn't know what she meant "How so?".

She threw him a pointed glare and took a sip at her drink"If you're worried about Abby living with Luka, don't be. Nothing's going on".

Susan looked at him with fondness in her eyes "You should tell her". Carter looked startled, like a deer caught in the headlights "Who? Tell her what?".

She shook her head at him and deadpanned "That you're in love with her and can't live a moment without her".

Carter gave her a little smirk "Really? What about us?".

Susan gave him a sympathetic smile "There's  _hardly_  an us... you know that".

He nodded and returned his gaze to her green eyes "This isn't because Mark Greene suddenly became available?".

Susan sighed and finished her soda"You know when I said you were making a fool of yourself? You're doing it again".

Carter ended up staying the night, as it didn't make much sense going back to return in just a few hours for their yoga class. But when Susan was changing into her sports gear, Carter felt the urge to have her again and they ended up skipping yoga in favor of other aerobic activities.

He couldn't really define their relationship, but it was easy and uncomplicated  _unlike_  the majority of his relationships with women. Carter decided that he could live with that.

He saw how Abby was still hung up on Luka and as Susan had put it, he didn't want to be the rebound guy. He'd told Susan about the stabbing, the drugs and even though he could see the surprise in her face, Susan didn't try to pretend that she knew what to say to him.

She'd given him a heartfelt hug and Carter had clung to it - he had always craved affection more than anything else.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Susan was now fully settled in the ER vortex again. She'd grown thicker skin over the years, so she could deal with Weaver in an almost friendly manner; Luka respected her experience, Chen was actually fun to gossip with and Mark was always in a hurry.

Still, they always managed to find each other for a cup of coffee.

She had missed him viscerally in the last five years and now that she had him back, he was now dealing with the resurgence of his tumor. She'd found him, days ago, applying pressure to his tongue and she remembered how her stomach churned in horror when she asked him to stick out his tongue straight and it deviated to the side.

Susan blinked back tears as she saw him entering Doc Magoo's . He smirked when he sat in front of her "Carter was looking for you. He seemed a little jealous that you were having coffee with  _me_ ".

She rolled her eyes at him "Yeah, right".

Mark shook his head "I can't believe you're dating  _Carter_ ". He was the one that was a  _little_ jealous. Susan's return had awakened dormant feelings but he knew it was too late for them.

Too late for  _him_.

She almost winced "He's not a med student anymore. It's nothing serious. I'd spend more time with you, but I'd have to kill Elizabeth first. What is it with the women you marry, they all seem to hate me?", Susan smirked as she took a sip at her coffee.

He chuckled quietly and recalled how Jen would go ballistic every time Susan called. Elizabeth was the same, always preying on him when they talked over the phone, like she expected him to run away or something.

He clasped her hand and looked at her with a gaze that she recognized from so many years ago "I'm glad you're here". The intensity made her uncomfortable and Susan felt like she was about to cry as she glanced at the scar on his scalp "I'm sorry I wasn't here before...".

Mark's marriage was in shambles. After Ella's overdose, Elizabeth had refused to come back home. He didn't want her to come back to him out of pity, so Susan was the only person he had told about the cancer.

She had held him the night before, after his first round of chemo, applying cold towels to his forehead and shoulders as he puked his guts out in the toilet.

It wasn't difficult to fantasize now how they would've been,  _together_ , if Susan had given them a chance. But she had tears in her eyes and Mark just couldn't resent her for leaving him so many years ago.

He brought her hand to his lips and pressed a tender kiss on the back of her hand "Don't cry".

* * *

The secret was becoming unbearable, but she couldn't break Mark's trust like that. Abby found her in the lounge, pretending to be completing charts "You don't look so good".

Susan looked up and smirked " _Thanks_. Are you off?". Abby nodded as she retrieved her coat from her locker and Susan asked out of the blue "Do you want to get  _plastered_ with me? I need a drink".

Abby knew she shouldn't, but she could use the company too. They ended up in a bar Abby went to when she wanted to drink alone. Susan was downing drinks like they were water and Abby ordered her a burger, trying to protect her from a monster hangover the following day.

Susan whined "I shouldn't. I'm  _kind_ of dieting. I have to lose seven pounds till the end of the year".

Abby smiled at her "You realize those drinks you just had have a bigger amount of calories, right?". She lighted a cigarette and inhaled before chuckling at the blonde's grumpy face "You're  _annoying_ ".

The stupor from the alcohol was making Susan think about Mark again and she didn't want to break down in front of Abby. She forced herself to perk up "So, is it true some chick planted a big one on Weaver?".

Abby had witnessed it first-hand and nodded. Susan savored her burger and quipped "Was it  _hot_?". The nurse looked at her quizzically and let a smile escape "It was  _intense_. But you could see Kerry was mortified".

Susan seemed lost in thought "She had no business outing her like that. I'd have decked her".

Abby teased "Don't tell me you're into that kind of thing...".

Susan felt a rush of blood to her cheeks and stammered "What kind of thing?". Abby took a sip at her beer and eyed her before leaning closer "Kissing  _women_ ".

She probably wouldn't have replied if it wasn't for the alcohol, but she sensed Abby's eyes on her " _Occasionally_. I haven't in a long time".

With that, she averted her eyes from her drink and noticed Abby's brown eyes on her lips "Same here...".

Susan knew they were both drunk so she wasn't going to think too much of it.

She also pretended she didn't feel Abby leaning a little too closely into her side to steal the accompanying french fries to her burger.

* * *

She had broken up with Luka and had waited for Carter to make a move so, yeah, she was a little pissed off when he started following Susan Lewis around like a love sick puppy. It annoyed her specially how he tried to impress her in the trauma room, like he had to prove her that he was a good doctor.

Susan had worked there before and all the nurses seemed to love her. Haleh had assured her that she was one of the "good ones" but Abby spent weeks being a bitch because she didn't know how to react to her obvious closeness with Carter.

After Weaver made them attend a seminar together, she decided she liked her, after all. Susan had a great sense of humor and Abby could use positive people in her life.

Susan was sort of going out with Carter but kept telling Abby to ask him out. It confused her a little but she realized Susan was a much more complex woman than what she let people see.

She found them kissing in the lounge and resisted the urge to roll her eyes at Carter's guilty face when he saw her. Susan cleared her throat and smiled "What time to you get off?". Abby looked at her watch "In a couple of hours".

The doctor nodded and smiled gently "We're ordering Thai at my place tonight. Why don't you join us?".

Abby smiled back at her but shook her head, lowering her voice "Don't wanna be the third wheel...".

Carter looked uncomfortable but Susan came closer and looked her in the eyes "Hey, there's no third wheel crap with us. We're  _friends_ with the occasional benefits. Right, Carter?", she looked over her shoulder. He nodded silently, his eyes always on Abby.

Susan squeezed her arm before opening the lounge's door "There's always room for one more".

Both Carter and Abby looked at her retreating back, unsure if she meant what they thought she meant.

* * *

When she knocked at Susan's door, Abby felt a rush of panic running through her and she actually turned away, preparing herself to leave.

She didn't know what the hell she was doing there.

Susan's rich voice made her stop. She watched her with a crooked smile "Abby?". Their eyes met and Susan extended her hand to pull her inside "It's okay...". They went inside hand in hand and Abby was shy when she saw Carter.

Susan chirped "Look who's here... Can I get you a drink?". Abby smiled "A beer would be great". She noticed Carter's reprimanding eyes on her but she didn't give a fuck. She was nervous and he shouldn't be drinking either and she could see a beer in his hand too.

They ate and drank with Susan cracking jokes every now and then, trying to break the ice. It had been her idea and she wasn't backing down now. She shooed them away to the living room, each with a new beer in hand, as she finished rinsing down their plates.

When she joined them, they both sat obediently on her couch, nursing their drinks in their hands while waiting for her. This wasn't something she had ever done before but Susan cared about these two and yes, she was a little turned-on, too.

She sat between them and looked at both "Well, I'll go first".

She shifted closer to Carter and kissed him a little roughly, her hand grabbing the front of his shirt. He was unsure but relaxed as soon as he realized that Abby hadn't bolted out. She was, in fact, watching them very closely. He closed his eyes and focused on kissing Susan.

Kissing Carter was nice but Susan was aware of the presence behind her. She disantangled herself from his arms and smiled at Abby. She pushed a stray lock of hair out of her face and whispered in her ear "Can I kiss you?".

Abby's eyes watched Susan - her smooth complexion, her bright eyes, her tempting lips. She nodded so slightly and the blonde cupped her cheek, letting her knuckles brush against her skin. Abby's eyes closed involuntarily and Susan waited for their eyes to meet again before kissing her softly.

She often said her life was on hold during the years she lived in Phoenix, but it wasn't true. There, Susan started meditating, doing yoga and _discovered_  herself. She'd accepted that she was attracted to women too and she had a few good dates there that didn't turn into something more simply because she kept following her sister around and wasn't emotionally available for a proper relationship.

Susan remembered how much she liked the touch of a woman as Abby's hands curled around her neck, deepening their kiss. Abby tasted of beer and lipstick and she wasn't ready to pull away just yet. She encircled her arms around her waist and backed her against the arm of her couch. Susan jerked a little when she felt Carter's lips at the back of her neck, his hands grabbing her hips.

It was a pleasant, the mix of the softness of Abby's lips on her mouth, and the roughness of his stubble on her neck. She pulled away and smiled at both of them "Let's take this inside".

In her bedroom, Susan stood once again between them. She repeated her earlier motions and kissed Carter, but this time she held a hand that Abby took and she pulled her closer. Then, she almost pressed the two of them together and watched as Carter's hands cupped Abby's cheeks with reverence. Susan sat on her bed and watched them contently as they kissed each other for the first time, their obvious attraction flaring up.

Abby pulled away and looked at Susan almost apologetically, to which Susan waved a dismissive hand "Don't stop on my account...".

Carter wanted to keep kissing Abby but he also wanted Susan.

He was pretty positive this was just a dream and he didn't want to wake up from it.

Abby smiled at him over her shoulder as she joined Susan on the bed. She was the mastermind behind all this and she didn't want her to feel left out. Abby kissed her neck gently and Susan moaned her name, encouraging her. Susan then ran a hand under her shirt to see what would happen and Abby sighed into her mouth when Susan found her nipples.

They stopped to undo each other's shirts, Carter looked at them from the other side of the bed, mesmerized by what was happening in front of him. He had to adjust himself because his erection rubbed against his jeans and it didn't seem appropriate to be the first one to undress.

Susan was now kissing Abby's pert breasts and the nurse closed her eyes, her fingers lost in blonde locks and her throaty sighs breaking the silence. Susan kneeled to finish undressing Abby, pulling at her slacks and panties roughly and both giggled nervously. Carter noticed how Susan closed her eyes for a second when she touched Abby for the first time. She kept stroking between her legs, watching her closely. Susan looked at him and smirked "Everything okay, back there?".

Abby chuckled at her words and Carter crawled awkwardly on the bed until he was right behind Susan. She kept saying that she needed to lose weight but he loved her curves. He stroked her ass and snaked a hand to her front, trying to unzip her fly. Susan pulled away from Abby and let his hands undress her. She pressed into his front and could feel his hardness against her. Susan lifted one knee, then the other to get out of her jeans.

She knew she should let Carter and Abby alone but now that she had started, she'd have to finish. Abby didn't seem to mind, anyway. Susan left a wet path with her tongue on Abby's stomach and kept going south, until she took a detour to her left hip where she sucked a little and made a muffled sound when Carter's fingers entered her.

She kept kissing Abby's soft skin and the nurse jerked a little when she reached her inner thigh. Susan started tracing her with a lazy tongue and Carter chuckled when Abby started cursing "Fuck, fuck, fuck...". He knew Susan had a talented mouth and couldn't blame Abby for being vocal about it.

He was a little jealous that Susan was touching and tasting Abby before he did but this never would've happened if it wasn't for her, so he kept stroking her - he didn't remember her getting so wet for him. Carter hurried, unrolled a condom and positioned himself behind her. He entered her a little roughly, but Susan was very much ready and she just readjusted her body into what looked like some damn yoga pose and kept pleasuring Abby all the while.

Soon after Susan added her fingers to whatever her mouth was doing, Abby moaned and shook for a long time, her body tensing as the pleasure hit her. Susan kept stroking her after that but Carter wanted her to  _feel_  him, so he grabbed her by the hips and pulled her towards himself, breaking the contact between the two women.

Susan straddled him reverse in a way that Carter didn't even  _understand_ but he kept teasing her breasts and thrusting into her. Carter suspected she would say it was from the yoga, but she had amazing flexibility, he had to give her that.

When she recovered, Abby kneeled close to them and touched Susan for the first time, the blonde biting her lip to avoid making too much noise. Abby started rubbing circles on her clitoris more confidently and left kisses all over her jawline. Susan shifted a little, her hand touching his chin and Carter leaned down and accepted her kiss.

She was offering him Abby's taste on her lips and he paused for a second, savoring her. He felt Abby's fingers raking through his hair, pushing him to Susan's lips that Abby knew tasted like her. Carter plowed into Susan once again and that with Abby's delicate but devilish fingers was enough to send a rippling orgasm through her.

She got out of the way and Carter finally touched Abby like he had fantasized for most of the past year. She smiled at him and pushed herself up on her knees to kiss him on the lips. Susan handed another condom at Carter, he thanked her with a wink and changed the condom quickly. He laid Abby on the bed and pressed himself against her smaller frame, touched her breasts and kissed them almost reverently.

Resting against her pillow, Susan just smiled.

 


	3. Chapter 3

What surprised them was how little did change.

They would meet at Susan's or at Abby's - never at Carter's. Susan kept giving him a hard time about that "When are we going to try out the mansion?".

Susan had given each a key to her place. It wasn't now unusual for her to come back home and find one of them or even both there.

Susan didn't feel so alone anymore.

* * *

Mark was getting worse every day, since stopping his treatment. Elizabeth had called her one evening, swallowing her pride and begging her to talk to Mark, to ask him to reconsider his decision "He listens to  _you_ ".

But it was in vain - Mark knew the chemo wouldn't save him this time.

She'd had the day off and spent the day with him. He was starting to get cognitive issues, kept forgetting recent events but remembered stories of when they were residents. On her way back home, in the El, Susan was afraid she'd break down right there and kept closing her eyes, blinking the tears back.

When she stepped into her apartment, she was glad she was alone. Susan dragged herself to her bathroom and stayed under the shower head crying until her fingertips turned pruny.

Susan spent her shifts patching up scum bags. Mark was a good man, a father and a husband, and no-one could save him. It was so fucking _unfair_.

She changed into pajama bottoms and an old cotton sweater and went to the kitchen to fix herself a glass of bourbon that she downed in seconds. Susan tried to watch a movie but wasn't really paying attention. She looked at the door when she heard keys dangling and saw Abby coming in with take-out boxes in her hands.

"I brought risotto from that italian place you like", Abby smiled but stopped in her tracks when she noticed Susan's puffy eyes. She contoured the couch and left the boxes on the nearby coffee table, sat cross-legged next to Susan, a hand stroking her forearm "How's Mark?".

It was almost a rhetorical question, Susan's somber face was pretty telling. They didn't know each other for a long time but they had a whole language going on between them. Carter had picked up on it, how they looked at each other and smiled knowingly without any words needed.

Abby rubbed her back as Susan sobbed. She pulled her to herself and held her close because she didn't know what else she should do. Susan smelled of cinnamon and she sank her nose in her hair, inhaling the sweet scent. Abby was pretty sure she smelled like hospital. She wondered if she should leave, give her some privacy.

Susan forced herself to pull back and managed a faint smile "I'm sorry, I'm a mess...". Abby watched her closely. She couldn't really explain why she cared so much for the woman in front of her. She looked at her lips, lips that she loved kissing. It wasn't even appropriate because Susan was upset, but Abby felt her heart beating faster as she pressed her mouth to Susan's.

It was a little crazy because she was dating Carter but she was also  _sort of_ dating Susan.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, when she woke up between her two lovers, Abby contemplated their situation.

It was  _crazy,_ but had worked, so far.

Carter was emotionally scarred just like her and she loved him in spite of that. Susan was their balanced counterpart, so reliable and  _together_ , Abby almost envied her.

So she knew that it must not have been easy for Susan to let her see her so broken and scared.

Susan  _trusted_  her.

Abby leaned back into the pillows and let Susan curl herself against her chest.

As she stroked the hair of the woman in her arms, Abby wondered if it was  _possible_  to be in love with two people at the same time.

* * *

The day they got Mark's letter, Susan shut down from the rest of the world. She went through the day on autopilot, seeing more patients than any other doctor on shift, not allowing herself to stop for a second.

Carter found Susan in the lounge, near the end of her shift. She sniffed and wiped her nose with a tissue "I shouldn't have sat down. If I don't sit down, I won't cry".

He smiled at her gently "Well, you have to sit down eventually". Susan nodded "Yeah. Can't I just pretend he moved to the South Pacific and lived happily ever after?".

Carter hated to see her like this. He stroked her shoulder softly "In a way, he did".

She held his gaze and sighed "A girl and her father are hit by a cement truck on the way to ballet class. A malignant tumor invades her chest, and we find it by happenstance. She'll walk out of here in a week with not a care in the world. Mark walked the halls of a hospital  _every_ day and didn't know about his tumor till he presented with symptoms".

"Well, we save who we can, right?", he tried to reason but she shook her head "It has to make more sense than that".

He offered gently "You're looking for a reason?". Susan dropped the act and sobbed "I miss him already". Carter hugged her tightly and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head "Me too".

She whispered into his chest "I went away for five years, I thought of him on occasion, talked to him sporadically. But I miss him. I thought he'd  _always_ , always be here".

"Well, it's good to miss him. It's missing him that keeps him here".

"Yeah. You should write for Hallmark", Susan finally smiled and Carter leaned down to give her a tender peck on the lips.

* * *

Susan stared at their ridiculously oversized cocktails with a questioning eyebrow "How much alcohol is in there?". The hunky bartender winked at her "Enough to make you forget you're being thrown into a volcano".

"I get it, I  _think_... Can I start a tab?", she asked.

"Sure, Susan", he smiled at her suggestively and Abby shot him a glare when she joined Susan's side. She gasped when she saw their drinks "Oh, my God. Those are our drinks?".

"Too tacky?", Susan winced. Abby stifled a chuckle "No, not for this place".

"I'm just bummed I forgot my grass skirt", Susan smirked and Abby retorted close to her ear "Yeah. I was gonna wear my coconut bra, but it itches". They exchanged looks and smiled at each other.

At their table, Abby asked "How did you know about this place?". "Mark had a birthday here once. It seemed appropriate", she smiled. She noticed the dreamy bartender looking at her over Abby's shoulder.

People arrived in small groups. Haleh, Gallant, Carter and Jing-Mei. Everyone came to hug her, like she was Mark Greene's widow of something. Susan decided to keep drinking, so that she wouldn't feel obliged to make small talk with everyone. She wasn't in the mood. All she wanted was to drown that sadness.

When Carter rested his arm over her shoulders, Susan nodded towards the door "She's outside". Carter sensed that she wanted to be left alone and he went out to find Abby perched on a chair, smoking.

"John Carter makes an appearance", she slurred. "Abigail Lockhart sits alone", he smiled, sitting down next to her.

"It's a nice jacket. Is it new?", she asked, her eyes never leaving the horizon. "What, do you have ESP?", Carter chuckled. "No, your car's right there. I saw you circle the building twice", she confided before chuckling quietly.

He could see she was tipsy "Thanks for yelling out directions".

"Didn't wanna encourage you. I don't think you should be hanging around in bars. Great letter, though. I especially enjoyed the surprise ending", she sighed before dragging in another puff of smoke.

He shrugged "I didn't write it". Abby pursed her lips "Well, that's the last time we let you read out loud then". Carter stroked her cheek "Suddenly antisocial?". She shook her head "No, you just missed my table dance".

"Well, I'll have to stick around for the second show", Carter deadpanned and both kept quiet for a few minutes until Abby shifted to look at him "How many lives do you think? How many lives do you think he saved?".

Carter was unsure "It's hard to say. One a shift on average, I guess. Five shifts a week for 10 years. Two or three thousand people".

"Damn. Forget Superman, I'll take Mark Greene", Abby contemplated.

Carter gave her an amused look "Well, if I knew you felt that way, I would have shaved my head a long time ago. Are you okay? Come on". He stood up and took her hand.

"Come on what?"

"Let's get out of here".

Abby looked at him skeptically "And ditch our friends, Susan?".

"I think that they'll get over it".

"Okay. Where are we going?", she asked as Carter looked for his car keys.

"Bill's place", he smiled and Abby rolled her eyes, scoffing "No, thank you".

"Come on. There's a meeting at 1", he tried to reason with her.

"Great. Go, I'll catch up", Abby turned her back to return to the bar but he stopped her "When's the last time you went? What do you think? What's it gonna hurt?".

"It'll kill my buzz for starters!", she replied, exasperated.

Carter grabbed her arm "Come on, one step at a time". She shook her head at him "I sponsored you. Remember? Save the dogma. Besides, _you_ screwed it up". He smiled now "I'm screwing it up?".

"Yes. Would you say that I'm drunk?", she questioned. At his nod, she crossed her arms defiantly "You  _can't_  go to meetings drunk. And the program is voluntary".

"Then get in the car  _voluntarily_ ".

He was starting to get on her nerves "Come on, out of my way".

"You are going, even if I have to carry you", he said with his hands on his hips. She smirked "Thanks for caring, but not tonight". "Yeah, tonight" and with that Carter grabbed by the arm a little too roughly.

"No! Slow down, tough guy!", she jerked his hand away and looked pissed off.

Carter was beginning to lose his patience "Get in the car!", he threw her over his shoulder and carried her forcefully in the direction of his car.

"No, no!", she kept screaming and kicking her feet in the air. Carter felt her sinking her teeth into his shoulder and yelped "Son of a bitch! You bit me?!".

Abby fell on the ground with a graceless thump "You dropped me!".

"I can't believe you bit me!", he shook his head at her while checking his shirt . "I told you to put me down", she humphed. "I think that I might be bleeding", he winced.

Abby wanted to tell him that's he was being a big baby. She raked her hand through her hair and sighed "I'm sorry. I just- I can't. I can't go to a meeting  _tonight_. I won't do it".

Abby knew she'd have to start her AA meetings again before things got out of control. But a decent guy like Mark Greene had just died an awful death and it made all her fears come back.

The fears that she'd end up committed in a psychiatric facility.

What had propelled Abby to med school, in the first place, had been the need to  _understand_  her mother's disease. In the clinical sense, obviously, because she knew everything about the mood swings, the recklessness, the suffering. But she needed to  _know_  what was chemically wrong with Maggie's brain, like having proof would ease all the pain.

She  _was_  a kick-ass nurse but none of her medical knowledge helped, because nothing panicked her more than thinking that she might lose her mind someday, succumb to that fucking bipolar disease too.

So tonight, she really  _needed_  to be drunk because life wasn't making any sense at all. She repeated "I can't go to a meeting tonight".

Abby was baring her soul but she knew he didn't understand.

The one that understood was inside being chatted up by some barely-out-of-his-teens bartender.

* * *

He opened the door of his place for her.  _Jesse_ was the name of the bartender that had spent all night throwing cheesy pick-up lines her way. He looked so young, Susan was almost turned-off. She looked around the cramped studio as he smiled "Can I get you something to drink?".

Susan shook her head and backed him against the nearby wall "I've had enough to drink tonight...". He smiled before cupping the back of her head and kissing her softly, but Susan didn't want soft kisses.

Soft kisses reminded her of Abby. She knew she was in trouble, she always fell for the wrong people.

Abby and Carter were probably in  _her_  bed right now, but tonight she couldn't risk doing something stupid.

_Like telling Abby how beautiful she was or something_.

Susan focused on the shirtless Adonis in front of her and mapped his spectacular six-pack with her hands. He was so strong, Susan wasn't exactly feather light and he had managed to lift her off the floor and perched her in the edge of the dresser. He stood between her legs and helped her out of her shirt, his hands trying to unhook her bra without succeeding. She reached back and undid it herself, let the bra fall on the carpeted floor.

He kissed her neck and cupped her breasts a little too roughly, Susan closed her eyes and tried to  _focus_.

After they moved to his bed that, luckily, had clean sheets, he tried to go down on her but Susan didn't allow him. It was the kind of thing she liked to reserve for her lovers, not for sleazy hook-ups.

To be honest, she wanted this to be over quickly so she could go back home.

Jesse rolled a condom on himself and Susan straddled him and eased herself down. She wasn't that wet so it burned a little, but she was so numb that she needed to feel something,  _anything_.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Susan looked at her watch for the third time in as many minutes. She nudged Luka with her elbow when she noticed he was actually  _asleep_. He looked at her with a tired smile and Susan just chuckled - meetings at seven sharp in the morning did that to a person.

"Anything you care to share with us, Dr Lewis?", Romano glared at her and she just shook her head "Sorry".

He clearly enjoyed listening to himself as he went into detail about each page of his powerpoint presentation. Donald Anspaugh seemed to agree with Susan's line of thought, he actually took off his glasses and asked plainly "Do you think you could fast-forward to the key points, Robert? I already missed morning rounds and I'm sure the ER could use an attending right now...".

Everyone nodded at the senior surgeon's words and Romano finally announced the budget cuts for each department - it had been the purpose of the meeting after all.

Luka and Susan returned to the ER, the daytime shift was already waiting for them in the lounge for the pass-ons. Luka handed his cases to Jing-Mei and they went to admit to update the board. Susan was finishing signing her charts under Weaver's scrutinizing eye.

She decided to throw her out of her game just for fun, they were alone in the lounge. "So, hot date or what?", she quipped, raising her eyes from the last chart so that she could see Weaver's face giving her away completely.

"Uh, sorry?".

"You asked so  _nicely_  if I could cover your shift. Luka and I were swamped all night and we still had to endure a meeting with Romano first thing in the morning... Please tell me my efforts weren't in vain", she smirked playfully at her boss.

Weaver blushed furiously "Sandy took me to Tampolobampo... I'd been wanting to try it out for some time now...".

"Oh, I heard the food is divine, but it's impossible to get a table in the damn place". Susan loved mexican food and had tried to make reservations more than once.

"Lieutenant Lopez has her ways...", the redhead gushed and Susan noticed how her eyes lit up at the mere mention of her lover's name.

It would have creeped her out in the past, but Weaver was simply in love. And that made her human, not just some paperwork tyrant with an incredibly nerve-racking voice. Love was what was turning her from Weaver to Kerry.

"I hope things work out with you two. You look happy", she nodded and Kerry smiled with all her teeth "Thank you, Susan".

As Susan watched her gathering her charts and limping towards the lounge door, she mused about her own colorful personal life. She wasn't in love with Carter, but she loved him, the bond they shared. He reminded her of a time when she was so happy.

She thought that she might be a  _little_ infatuated with Abby but it was probably just a crush - she was  _that_  silly, still having crushes on people, at her age. She wondered if she could ever  _love_  her. Like Sandy and Kerry, together, facing the world like that.

Susan blocked her mind from wandering even further.

It was  _not_  going to happen.

* * *

A patient had given Abby two tickets to see the Blackhawks and she'd accepted them only because he was dying and it was insensitive to say no. When she'd casually slipped in to the other two that she had game tickets for the following day, Susan's head immediately jerked " Hawks vs Blues?!".

Abby looked on mildly amused "I'd never peg you as a hockey fan…". The blonde was already ogling the tickets "I dated a guy in Phoenix with season tickets… But I never stopped supporting the Hawks. Oh, my God. 2nd deck, center ice!". Carter crossed the living room in a single stride " _Really_? Are you sure they're not stolen or something?".

"A patient  _gave_  them to me on his deathbed…", Abby almost rolled her eyes at him.

They looked like schoolkids yapping around her, it was kind of  _cute_.

Susan swayed around the kitchen island " _I_  never got tickets from a patient…".

"Neither did I… but nurses are sweet angels of mercy…", Carter joined her on the couch and nuzzled her neck with his lips. His stubble tickled her and Abby warned him in jest "Mocking me is not going to get you in my pants, mister…".

Susan handed Abby a mug of ginger tea "Drink this, it'll help with the headache". Carter locked his fingers behind his head and quipped skeptically "What's wrong with good ol' Tylenol?". Susan faced him with a hand on her hip and a smirk on her lips "Ginger is a natural anti-inflammatory. Besides, it boosts the immune system and is good for your skin".

Abby nodded her appreciation before taking a sip "Thank you…".

It was nice having them looking out for her.

Susan perched herself on the arm of the couch and Carter teased her "You're not going to start prescribing herbs to patients, are you? It's not good for the business".

She retorted "You should drink it too, it's good for other  _stuff_ ". Carter noticed Abby chuckling quietly, her trademark smirk on full display. He looked at the two women and noticed their knowing smiles. "What  _stuff_?", he asked curiously.

Abby nodded at him "It's a natural aphrodisiac…" and Carter's eyes went round. He sat straighter "What's that supposed to mean? You're saying I  _need_  it?". He looked at Susan eagerly but she just plopped herself next to Abby, her hand reaching for the remote. She knew he expected an answer from her but she enjoyed teasing him "Well, you know. Women reach their sexual peak in their mid-thirties. Men...  _don't_ ".

Abby giggled between them, she loved these moments when they just hung out and laughed at each other. Carter had been her best friend for the last couple of years and she was satisfied at how their relationship was progressing.

Susan was the glue that stuck them together, her joyful approach at life keeping the others' demons at bay.

She tried to keep a straight face when she noticed his eyes on her - she knew it was a very sensitive subject for guys, after all. He leaned closer "Would you concur with Dr. Lewis'  _assessment_?".

Abby raised her palm in defense "Don't put me in the middle here, that's between you two".

Her eyes narrowed at the screen - Susan was currently hooked on CSI and they always tried to catch up on their time off. "Have you ever seen anyone perform an autopsy without a gown?".

The blonde chuckled "And all that glossy hair hovering over a decomposing body…".

"I love her hair color, though", Abby nodded.

"It's gorgeous, isn't it?", Susan contemplated a new haircut for a second but then decided against it. It had taken so long to let it grow back.

Carter was still expecting them to say something "Hello? We were having a  _conversation_?".

Susan sighed almost in despair "It was a  _joke_ , Carter! You're fine". She returned her full attention to the TV screen but he didn't let go.

"Just  _fine_? How fine? In a scale of 1 to 10?", he looked at her over Abby's head. Susan bobbed her head back, laughing heartily, and Abby tried to reassure him with gentle eyes "Why are you so unsure of yourself, sweetie? You're actually sleeping with  _two_  women".

Susan feigned innocence and nodded "Yeah. I bet Kovac would never be so self-conscious if he had the opportunity…".

Abby couldn't hold it anymore and laughed out loud, her headache pounding in her temple.

Carter stood up and waggled a finger at the blonde "Ok, that's it. You're  _so_  going to regret your words…". She tried to escape from him, running away to the hall, but he reached her in just seconds and grabbed her by the waist, maneuvering her to the bedroom.

Abby could hear her shrieks and it didn't take long before her bed creaked outrageously and Susan's giggles turned into low groans.

She finished her tea, turned off the TV and left her empty mug in the sink. Abby stopped at the doorway and shook her head at all the clothes scattered around her room. Carter had pinned her hands above her head, his full weight keeping her still as he teased her nipples with his teeth. She moaned at that and his head rose from her chest, to make eye contact with her "And don't tell me you're faking it now… You're wet".

His words combined the view in front of her aroused Abby. She leaned against the door frame and bit her lower lip when he thrust into the blonde for the first time. She could tell Susan was holding back just so that Carter wouldn't get too smug.

These two taunted each other even in bed.

He kept a steady rhythm and questioned her with a smirk on his face "So?". Susan tried to shrug but she couldn't because he was still holding her wrists. She gave him a pseudo innocent smile "You're doing  _fine,_ Dr. Carter".

Carter loved that Susan was so hard to break. He disengaged for a second, gesturing so she would get her on her knees and took her from behind slowly. If Abby didn't know it was his favorite position, she'd know by now. The way he tilted his head just slightly, how he furrowed his brow and how he allowed a smile to creep up his face when Susan's resolve faltered and she groaned in delight.

Abby worried for a second that her neighbors might hear them. She kept silent herself and could feel her desire pooling between her legs. She mused if this was how she and Carter looked when they had sex.

He bent and said something in Susan's ear that she couldn't make out but made the blonde chuckle. Abby could see how hard he gripped Susan's waist - his knuckles were white and she was sure she'd have bruises later. Abby admired his lean body, the scars standing out on his back. As he pounded into the other woman, she knew he would be sore afterwards.

She'd rub his back if he wanted.

Abby realized she was walking towards them, hopelessly drawn to what was happening in front of her eyes. She'd never believe if someone had told her that she'd get so turned on by her boyfriend having sex with another woman. That she'd  _encourage_  it.

But this wasn't  _just_  another woman, this was Susan and Susan was… - she had no idea what Susan was.

Abby sat on the edge of the bed and watched her quivering. Her flushed skin, her perfect teeth, the breasts that she now knew were impossibly soft… She jerked out of her daydreaming when she realized that a pair of green eyes had caught her staring.

She gulped down an imperceptible moan when said eyes fluttered closed again and the pleasure coursed through her. Carter climaxed immediately after Susan, proud to have drawn yet another orgasm from her, even after all the teasing.

He rolled on his back and closed his eyes - he hoped he hadn't thrown out his back again. Sex with Abby was passionate but gentle, they made _love_. Sex with Susan was fiery and almost desperate. Even if they  _did_  care a lot about each other, what they did was plain  _fucking_. He knew he was one lucky bastard and he couldn't help the smile on his face when he felt Abby's hand rubbing his foot. "Have you two kissed and made up?", she smirked.

Susan caught herself before she actually said out loud that she'd rather kiss  _her_.  _It's just all the pheromones wearing off._

"Were you watching us?", Carter was still trying to catch his breath. At Abby's direct answer "It was difficult  _not_  to", he winked "Did you like?". She smiled almost coyly and nodded. He chuckled low in his throat and stroked her thigh "Well, just give me a minute… or maybe two". He tied a knot in the condom and made his way to the bathroom to discard it.

Susan stretched her limbs languidly and threw her a conspiratorial smile "Were you checking me out, before?".

"Was I?", Abby tried to sound casual as she pursed her lips, her eyes unable to ignore the naked presence on her bed. She started crawling on her hands and knees, the sound of water running from the shower providing the perfect soundtrack. Abby stopped just inches away from Susan's face, her eyes dropping deliberately to her chest.

Susan's eyes watched her lips as she whispered "You're doing it again...".

"So, what are you gonna do about that?"Abby smiled cheekily before capturing the smooth lips in front of her.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Right in the middle of a dead shift, Susan got that disturbing call from Suzie.

Without thinking twice, she grabbed her purse and coat from her locker and went to find Weaver. She was assisting a GSW in Trauma 2, so she told Jerry she had a family emergency and that she had to leave. Susan flagged down a cab right across the street and hopped to a plane to New York.

She'd stopped counting long ago all the times her sister fell off the wagon.

She was doing this only for Suzie, she would never give up on  _her_.

* * *

Susan found the right precinct and listened to the cops almost mechanically - how they had looked everywhere and she should prepare herself for the  _worst_.

It was the same speech she gave to patients' relatives. Susan hoped she didn't sound so cold.

She'd coaxed them to let her go with them and her presence in the patrol car was visibly pissing off the male officer. His female partner had been more understanding and kept making small talk with Susan, to which she replied only out of courtesy, her eyes taking in the putrid surroundings. Barely moving bodies that reeked of urine and vomit, needles laying around, filth everywhere - she wouldn't bear it if they actually found Suzie there.

Susan decided that if she'd ever see her sister again, she would  _kill_  her with her bare hands.

* * *

Hours later, there was a phone call. She almost lost her shit when they asked her to ID Suzie in a morgue. As she walked down the halls of the hospital, Susan didn't recall the odor of antiseptic being so revolting. She felt herself hyperventilating as they uncovered the frail body on the gurney.

Susan collapsed in tears when she realized it  _wasn't_  her niece. She wasn't dead but she didn't know where she was either, who she was with. What they'd done to her in the meantime.

She dozed off in the precinct's waiting area, her head resting against the cool wall. The female officer - her name was Faith, she remembered - said the words she had been praying to hear all day. They had  _found_  her, safe and sound.

After they brought her in, Susan held her all night, unable to fall asleep. Mark's death and now this made her put everything into perspective. Susan regretted not having completed Suzie's adoption process when she had the chance. Her sister's husband had adopted her instead and would take her back home with him the following day.

She mused that she might never have a family of her own. After getting engaged in Phoenix, she panicked and fled back home. They had amazing chemistry but didn't have nothing else in common. She was a doctor, he was a cowboy. She was a democrat, he was a republican. He'd live happily ever after in the desert and Susan missed the snow.

The last few months felt like a high, she felt alive and powerful. She'd been happy with their unconventional relationship but deep inside, Susan knew it wasn't bound to last, it would never work in the long-run. Things would become awkward, they wouldn't be able to hide their arrangement forever and no one would understand. There would a lot of questions that she didn't even knew how to answer.

When she landed in Chicago, she decided that she'd back off from Abby and Carter.

She feared that one of them would eventually get jealous, things would get weird and in her present state of mind, she couldn't handle the rejection.

She had been the one to start this, so it only made sense that she'd be the first to pull the plug on this  _thing_.

They could all still be friends, she wanted to keep them in her life. But she was the one standing out, so she'd let them be happy together.

* * *

"I understand", Carter nodded when she told him that she couldn't keep doing it.

He knew they would remain friends but he was a little disappointed that they would never have sex again. Carter couldn't deny that the last months had done wonders for his self-esteem.

When Susan went to Abby's that same day, to tell her the exact same words, Abby didn't take it so well. She shook her head at her "So you want to  _pretend_ that nothing ever happened?".

Susan avoided Abby's eyes and lowered her voice "It's better if I just take a step back and let you two live happily ever after".

"Was it something I did? Something I said?". Abby almost stomped her foot down like a petulant child.

With Abby looking so vulnerable in front of her, Susan's eyes couldn't hide it anymore.

She whispered "It's everything that you  _are_ ".

* * *

Chen always joined them when they went out now. They'd go out, dancing and drinking. Well, Jing-Mei did all the  _dancing_ and she did most of the  _drinking_. Abby would sit close to her with her quizzical and almost impertinent air, rolling her eyes at her jokes.

It was difficult to step back to the blurred lines of female friendship. Every look, every touch made Susan wonder if Abby had done it on purpose or not. They had to tone down the mild flirtation that flared up every time they were together, reminiscent of their previous intimacy.

Susan noticed the glances that Abby threw her way when she updated the board or while setting up a suture kit for her. And she had to force herself to  _not_  reciprocate.

Carter encouraged their friendship because he knew Susan had the most enviable skill of all: she made people open up to her without them even realizing. He knew that there were talks that Abby would never have with him and he was okay with that. He would let them have their _girl talk_.

He also knew that Abby missed the physical aspect of their relationship, they had talked about it and he'd admitted that he also missed the fun Susan brought to their sex life.

But he was also relieved that he now had Abby  _all_  to himself.

Carter vowed he would protect her, protect  _their_  love.

The only thing that bothered him was their going-outs, so one morning he cornered Susan in the drug lock-up. "How's the hangover?", he asked with his hands in his pockets. Susan sighed "Uh, I'm going with aspirin and caffeine".

He prodded "Abby said it was a good time" and the blonde deadpanned "Don't worry, she hasn't cheated on you since that stripper named Thor".

Carter chuckled before going serious again "I can be concerned, right?", Susan smirked "Don't be. He was wearing an American flag thong".

"No, I mean about her drinking".

Susan rolled her eyes and kept looking for the Fentanyl " _I'm_ the one who barfed".

He replied with a sigh " Yeah, but she's the  _alcoholic_. It's not easy to stay with the program when you're out bar-hopping". At his words, Susan turned back, stunned "The program?".

Carter looked surprised "I thought you knew" and Susan shook her head "She doesn't drink that much, I never even thought about it". It was true, she'd stick to a beer or two, whereas Susan would always return home at  _least_  tipsy.

He cocked an eyebrow at her "What's 'not that much'?".

_This_  was exactly why Susan had pulled out. She gave him a nod "If you're worried, you should talk to  _her_ ".

Abby appeared at the door and both looked like they were caught with their hand in the cookie jar. Carter accepted the labs she handed him and disappeared into one of the exam rooms. Susan flashed her a guilty smile and looked around "Uh, what's the best way to rule out PE? A spiral CT or a VQ scan?".

Abby touched her arm to make her look at her "Okay, I'm only going to say this once - I  _hate_  surprise parties". Susan scrunched up her nose before speaking "Carter assumed I was in the loop".

She looked at her skeptically "What loop?". Susan lowered her voice "The  _drinking_ loop".

Abby deflated in shame " _Oh_ ". She was  _so_  going to kill Carter. She avoided the blonde's eyes, trying to find the right words.

Susan smiled gently "He's  _concerned_. Which I think is very sweet". The nurse looked at her sheepishly "Um, I... I didn't want you to feel weird about it...".

Susan spoke in a calm voice "It's none of my business" and Abby looked up into bright eyes "And I just wanted  _us_ to have a good time".

Susan felt the urge to lean down and kiss her right there. Instead, she just nodded "I understand".

Abby rambled on "And you've seen me...It's not like I'm...", Susan squeezed her hand "It's between you and Carter".

Abby looked at their joined hands and sighed "I'm sorry he got you into it...".

"No. It was an accident. He thought I knew".

She shrugged "Yeah, well, it's not like it's a big secret either. It's just not something I talk about much". The taller woman whispered "We're friends, Abby. If you wanna talk, you know where I am. And if not, that's okay too".

Abby realized she was still holding Susan's hand in the drug lock-up. She gave it an almost imperceptible tug "Thank you".

* * *

Months went by so quickly and when Carter proposed, shouting at her on the rooftop, Abby told him he was crazy - she wanted him to know what he was getting himself into.

But she was happy, even if she was not so sure if she could be the wife he wanted.

He wanted her to go to AA meetings every single day but she just wasn't  _feeling_  it. She knew the program inside out, she had limited her drinking to only one drink when she went out with the girls and she had been fine. She didn't crave the alcohol or anything.

When Carter took her to one of the city's most exclusive restaurants, Abby expected him to pop the question in a more formal manner, he even looked nervous. He held her hand and said how he wanted them to be together, how they could grow, how there was a lot of things they could work through  _together_.

Abby replied as honestly as she could "I don't know if people ever really  _change_. But, I know what you mean...".

He looked startled "You do?". She nodded "I think I do".

Abby looked into his eyes and she saw a tinge of disappointment. But if they were going to do this, she had to be honest with him. She couldn't just say " _Yes John, I promise you I will never screw up again_ " because she honestly didn't know.

For a few days, she expected him to finally propose. She even found, without meaning to, a ring box in his pocket.

But he never did because, suddenly, everything turned sour.

Eric went missing for days, leaving Abby in panic. When they found his plane downed over the Great Lakes, she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Carter was there for her, patient as always. But she knew he couldn't understand the maternal responsibility she felt towards her brother.

She shut him out, not on purpose, but because she didn't how to deal with her family and their relationship at the same time. Carter meant well but made her feel like he was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, hovering over her like a cloud.

Abby cried for days when it became obvious that her brother was bipolar too. She pulled herself together and had Eric committed to a decent facility, only to have Maggie waltzing in and checking him out, saying that she'd take care of him.

They had another epic fight because Abby remembered too well how many times Maggie had left them down.

Maggie knew her daughter was right, so she let her set the rules.

They'd stay with her in Chicago for a couple of days.

* * *

Abby had forgotten how crazy it was living with her brother  _and_  Maggie. Her place looked like a war zone and she'd had another fight with Carter because he wanted her to stay the night at his place but she couldn't leave them alone. She had to make sure that both were taking their meds and she had to do it cunningly enough so that they wouldn't suspect anything. He'd tried to convince her to at least have dinner with him, but she asked if she could take a rain check.

Abby watched as his face hardened and he turned his back to her.

On top of everything, Susan came back from her weekend in Las Vegas with Chen  _married_ to some sorry flight nurse. He had spent the day following her around in the ER, supposedly so she would sign the annulment papers, but she saw him openly flirting with her. Abby knew it was none of her business but his mere presence around Susan irked her.

* * *

She went to the roof for a smoke, alone with her thoughts. She'd be off in a few hours and the prospect of having to deal with Eric's new found hostility discouraged her. She heard the door opening behind her and saw a familiar face joining her next to the guard rail. Susan looked up at the sky and sighed "Look at that moon, it's beautiful". Abby looked up and nodded "It is...".

The blonde pointed at her cigarette "Can I have one?", and Abby handed her the pack "Only if you promise it's a one-off thing. It's a nasty habit".

Susan smirked at the sarcasm and nodded "It  _is_ a one-off. I just need the rush". Abby watched as Susan lit her cigarette with her own and handed it back to her. She had never seen her smoke before, but the way she dragged and inhaled the smoke immediately confirmed Abby's suspicion that she had been a smoker in the past.

Susan purred "Damn, I forgot how good this feels" and Abby nodded knowingly. She was finding the scene a little sexy too, so she tried to distract herself with some passive-aggressive banter "You could just call me next time you feel like doing something  _edgy_. We can have secret smokes during recess, no need to  _elope_  to Vegas".

The blonde looked at her with a mix of embarrassment and pure flirtation "See, good thing you didn't come along. We might have ended up in a chapel".

"You  _wish_ ", Abby retorted before she stubbed out her cigarette.

Susan chuckled and then turned serious "I don't want to intrude... but if you need help with your family, just give me a call. Or if you want to just talk...".

Abby was tired but she felt her face turning into an easy smile "I will". She got serious when she saw the other woman looking at her, her hand moving closer to her cheek.

It was quite dark outside, but Susan was obsessing over a stray eyelash perched on Abby's perfect cheekbone. She murmured "There's a lash... here. Just let me...".

She noticed Abby closing her eyes at the unexpected contact and she let her fingers touch her skin a little longer than necessary.

Susan thought about gaining momentum and plunging ahead - they were close, she just had to lean and... she reminded herself that she had been the one to break things off.

She smiled as she captured the fugitive eyelash with her forefinger "There".

 


	6. Chapter 6

Carter got the call and felt the proverbial rug being swept from under his feet. Gamma wasn't only his grandmother. She was his confidante, the  _mother_  Eleanor never was.

He rushed into the lounge, he had to go home ASAP before he cracked in front of  _everyone_.

Carter found Abby in the suture room and asked her to come home with him. She was the only one he would allow to see him breaking down. When Abby sounded evasive, saying that she needed to check on her brother first, Carter  _begged_ her to come with him. She kept saying she'd stop by the mansion later and he felt his shoulders sag in defeat - he was never going to be Abby's number one priority.

* * *

Her hand was on the handle and she tried to make eye contact with Eric "Are you gonna be okay in here?". He looked at her for a second while flipping channels like a little kid "They're showing MASH reruns!".

Abby stepped out of the limo and the driver gestured politely "This way, Miss Lockhart".

She felt his mother's cold stare on her as she approached the vacant chair next to him. She took his hand and rested it on her lap, squeezing it lightly. Carter felt himself release a breath that he was holding since the day before. She was looking at him, her heart breaking at the pain in his face.

Eric was in a manic cycle and Abby had fought again with her mother, because he had managed to mix up his meds while she was at work. Abby had spent the previous night by her brother's bedside, hating herself for ditching Carter like that.

Her heart almost stopped when she noticed Eric getting out of the car and Maggie urging him to get in again.

The reverend was preaching and Abby just couldn't leave in the middle of all that. Her eyes watched the scene from afar and she saw Carter's eyes diverting to them too when Eric's voice first erupted, screaming at Maggie. He was making a scene and all the Carters looked on in disgust.

Abby stood up as gracefully as she could and started walking in his direction. It only seemed to aggravate him more because he started screaming, clearly agitated. Maggie begged him to lower his voice, to respect the location.

Eric rambled on and screamed "Leave me alone! You're suffocating me!".

Abby tried to grab him by the arm and hissed "Eric! What the  _hell_  are you doing? This is a funeral, please show some respect!".

He yelled in her face "Just shut the fuck up, Abby! I can't  _stand_  your voice! Always yapping, yapping, yapping!". At that, Abby grabbed his arm more forcefully, she would  _physically_  drag him to the car. Eric shook her arm away, making her lose her balance for a second. He started running away from her, laughing hysterically and Abby could see Carter refastening his jacket as he stood up and started walking in their direction.

Abby felt the shame washing over her as Eric tumbled down an open grave.

* * *

Susan nodded absentmindedly as the man listed on all his symptoms and described his pain with too much detail. She ordered the mandatory labs and asked Gallant to follow her "Check the turkey file for me, would you?".

He raised his brows at her "You think he's drug seeking?". Susan almost rolled her eyes but then remembered Gallant was still a med student "Huge red flag when a patient asks for a specific opiate saying the others don't  _work_. But let's wait for the tox screen". He complied and hurried to send the samples to the lab.

Admit was a mess, Jerry and Frank were bickering again and Susan sighed as she erased a name from the board. She heard Weaver's nasal tone behind her but didn't bother to turn around.

"Susan. What's up with the board?".

"I don't know, Kerry.  _Enlighten_  me", she deadpanned. Last thing she needed was Weaver on her case now.

"Twenty two patients in chairs, fourteen in triage, five AMA's...".

"I'm the only attending on shift  _again_ , since you only graced us with your presence  _now._ But I'm open to any suggestions you might have on how to perform the miracle of  _multiplication_ ", she ranted as she erased a name from the board.

Luka was in Africa, Carter took a few days off after his grandmother's funeral and Chen was on vacation. Weaver didn't count because since Romano's accident she spent her days upstairs. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had a day off, she'd been pulling a lot of double shifts in the past days because everyone else's personal life seemed to be more import than their job, so she wasn't having any of it.

Weaver looked at her over the rims of her glasses "I  _appreciate_  you stepping up", but Susan was on a roll "I've been on for almost 20 hours, I'm hungry and I need to take a shower and change my underwear, so if you don't mind I'm gonna take a break".

Susan Lewis had come a long way, Kerry smirked. Kerry had purposefully let her run the ER in the last days to see if she would cut it. She was in a foul mood - they had been especially busy today, with Mercy being closed to traumas - but Susan was a good teacher to med students and interns, kept her cool in the trauma room, had good bedside manner and was popular among the staff.

She called her out "Susan?", when the blonde turned around before entering the lounge, she nodded "You're doing great. Keep up the good work".

The other doctor's face relaxed into a sly smile "I'm still  _not_  covering for you tonight!".

Weaver chuckled before her eyes caught the horror that was Frank chewing a taco with his mouth open.

* * *

Chuck followed her down to radiology "How does steak and a bottle of merlot sound?".

She looked at the x-ray with a tired smile on her face "I've just pulled a double shift. All I want is to crawl into my bed... alone". He came closer and kissed the back of her neck "I'll rub your back...Come on, we can have a good time...".

She wasn't playing hard to get, she was indeed exhausted. But food and sex were good for stress relief. She always slept soundly afterwards.

She shut the white light off and grabbed the x-ray "I'm off in thirty minutes".

* * *

Susan spotted a forlorn looking Carter approaching admit and handed him a bunch of charts "Bus full of Texans with food poisoning, all puking hash browns".

Carter couldn't hide his lack of enthusiasm " _Morning_ ".

She smirked "Yeah, for you maybe. Apparently, I'm a vampire".

Pratt was in the earshot and mocked her "Oh wow, you got it  _so_  rough! Three night shifts in a row. I've been doing graveyards two weeks straight!". Susan side eyed him, unimpressed "I did my residency,  _thank you_ ". She returned her attention to Carter "They're insisting on being discharged by 2:16 so they can see the stupid eclipse".

His eyes left the chart, a smile peeking out on his face "I thought vampires liked eclipses?". She retorted "The moon blocks out the sun,  _big deal_. I've got a billboard outside my apartment that does the same thing". He chuckled and Susan watched him closely. He looked like hell and she knew he was going through a rough patch with Abby since the whole funeral fiasco. She prodded "So, Weaver tells me you're going to Africa".

Carter sighed "Yeah, I was supposed to go to Brazil with my dad but something came up…". Susan didn't sound convinced "So, you're going on vacation to the  _Congo_?".

"Luka called asking for some supplies. They need doctors, I can help…".

Susan nodded silently and lowered her voice "What does Abby say about this?". She knew she'd touched a sensitive subject because Carter almost winced at her question "Well, I think she has a lot on her mind…".

She gasped "You  _haven't_  told her! Don't do this, Carter! You can't go to Africa like that without talking to her!".

Carter stopped her "Susan. Stay out of this.  _Please_ ".

She raised her hands in surrender and went to the lounge to clock out.

He needed to leave Chicago. He was still devastated over Gamma's death and his father had noticed his depressed state and promised him that he'd clear his schedule so they'd go to Rio for a few days. Carter had been mildly excited about the trip, it would give them an opportunity to bond again. But Jack's secretary had left a message in his answering machine saying that he was sorry but he had to postpone.

He had already asked for time off at the hospital, so when Luka called to ask for all the antibiotics and vaccines they could spare, he asked him what else he needed. The Croat had chuckled "Well,  _doctors_ " and Carter told Luka to count him in.

He  _needed_  to get away, he was feeling he was losing his mind and he was scared he'd go back to painkillers. Abby had shut him out completely during Eric's meltdown and it made him question everything about them. She accused him of trying to fix her, implying that he thought she wasn't enough. Carter didn't have the energy to fight anymore.

He wanted her to get herself together for  _her_ , so they could have a future  _together_. If she wasn't willing to do that, he knew it was only time until her addiction destroyed them. And he wasn't going to sit and watch.

She found him in the lounge when he was gathering a few supplies for Luka "You have a rough shift?".

He nodded, his fatigue showing on his voice  **"** Yeah. There was this guy, this MI; he asked me for a pen and some paper to write a note to his kids. I couldn't save him, but I could of...". He trailed away until he stopped talking, kept stuffing boxes. Carter looked at her and she saw nothing but sadness in his eyes "Nothing's right  _here_ ".

Abby watched him turning away, starting to leave and she scurried after him  _"_ Hey! I haven't seen you in a week. That's it? Luka called me, looking for you. He was under the impression I might know where you were. You're going, right? To Africa?".

Carter sighed and tried a faint smile "It's not Rio, but it's not here".

He had promised her that he'd always be there for her and there she was, watching him walking away through hospital doors', walking away from  _her_.

Abby knew she  _should_  run after him, she knew she  _could_  make him stay if she really tried. He had been so patient in the last months, waiting for her to deal with her brother and Maggie. But patience had its limit and maybe that was it for him.

She shouldn't be surprised, all men in her life eventually left her. It was a pattern and she knew it was her fault, too.

Maybe if she had opened up more, if she'd let him see her fears, her doubts... Carter should be endgame, why couldn't she open up to him?

Maybe he was right and she needed to be  _fixed_  after all.

* * *

Janet Coburn smirked at her as she sat in the opposite side of the booth "Long time no see".

Abby knew she was at fault with her sponsor and smiled meekly "Yeah. I had some stuff to take care of…".

The older woman ordered a double espresso to a passing waitress. When they were alone again, she cocked her head slightly and looked Abby straight in the eyes "You're drinking again".

She wasn't asking so Abby just nodded "But it has been under control…".

"It's  _never_  under control - you're an alcoholic", Coburn tried to sound soft but her no-nonsense nature took over.

Abby had been hired as an OB nurse fairly recently when they first bumped into each other in a AA meeting. It had been an awkward experience for both - Coburn was already head of the department back then and no-one at the hospital knew about her drinking problem. But she realized pretty soon that Abby was very discreet about everything that concerned her personal life and that was the main reason she said yes when Abby asked her to be her sponsor. She'd grown fond of her over the years and was sad to see her switching to the ER, but she knew nurses were better paid down there.

Abby looked at her directly "I've been drinking  _socially_  for the last couple of months… and I've been  _fine_. But now… I need to start the program again… I'm a mess".

Janet spoke softly but assertively "Start today. I'm off at 5, we can catch the 6pm meeting".

The nurse nodded and Coburn watched as Abby struggled with words. It had always been one of their major hurdles - getting her to actually talk.

She tried to change the subject "I heard John Carter is away with some NGO. When does he come back?". When Abby had told her they were dating, Coburn was openly against it - two recovering addicts together was just a train wreck waiting to happen.

Abby folded and unfolded her napkin anxiously "I have absolutely no idea". Carter had called a few days ago and it was a conversation full of static and odd silences. She was relieved to hear his voice, to know that he was okay, but she resented him for leaving her.

Coburn rolled her eyes and finished her espresso "Relationships are overrated, anyway. Stop wallowing and do this for yourself, Abby".

* * *

Abby was hiding out in the left far end of the ambulance bay under the pretext of a smoking break. Being in the ER made her value all the down time when they had it, she knew it might change in just a second. Susan appeared from nowhere, handing her coffee as she sat down next to her.

They were silent for a moment, enjoying the quietness around them. It was a dark and cold night, Abby's hands were taking in all the heat from the cup and she smiled at her "Thanks".

The blonde sighed before taking a sip at her beverage "What would we do without caffeine?".

Abby was coming to love the moments when they were alone, even if they were just stolen moments between patients and traumas. She whispered gently "What would I do without  _you_?".

The words and the inflection in her voice made Susan look at her. "It's just coffee", she smiled shyly.

Abby realized she was looking at Susan,  _really_  looking at her. Susan always knew when she was feeling down and she'd call to check how she was. More than once, Abby came home finding messages in her answering machine that left her smiling dumbly into space. She also sensed when Abby wanted to be left alone and would watch her from afar. Hell, she always managed to find her even when she was hiding out like right now.

Under the scrutiny of gentle green eyes and with the moonlight as her accomplice, Abby disagreed "It's not  _just_  coffee...".

 


	7. Chapter 7

Abby looked at her cell phone screen. Her brother's distance hurt her deeply - she'd text him, leave messages in his machine hoping he would get back at her, but it was always Maggie who updated her. He was doing better with his new meds, apparently, but it was still a struggle to get him to go to his mandatory therapy sessions.

She put her phone back in her pocket and found Susan leaving the handicapped stalls with a disheveled Chuck in tow. She watched silently as Susan tried to get rid of him, obviously embarrassed by her presence around them. Chuck smiled sheepishly "See you later?" but she sounded unsure "Yeah. You know what – maybe. I don't know…". Chuck sounded disappointed but he wasn't going to insist with Abby standing right there.

The nurse kept looking at her feet "Six MVA's. Four adults, two kids. ETA 5".

Susan nodded and adjusted her stethoscope as they walked outside together.

Abby  _had_  to say something "I thought you were divorced".

The blonde avoided eye contact "We  _are_ ". She tried to make small talk before they reached the ambulance bay "Any news from Carter?".

The nurse buried her hands deeper into her pockets and smiled sourly "It's been over a month. I don't expect him to call anymore. If I hadn't bumped into him in the lounge, I wouldn't have even known he was going".

* * *

Susan did a double take when she saw Abby in blue scrubs, pushing Trauma 2's doors open. She greeted her, her eyes promptly observing the patient in front of her "Hi. You asked for a surgical consult?". Susan mouth was slightly agape and Abby shrugged her shoulders "I'm back in med school, I started my surgical rotation today".

The blonde smiled appreciatively and nodded "He's all yours". She watched on as Abby talked to Gallant, assessing the patient to take him to the OR. She followed her down the hall and Abby smiled coyly "I never meant to quit med school forever and it seemed like the right time to go back". Susan nodded and asked curiously "Where'd you get the money?".

Abby punched the elevator buttons, a playful smile on her face "Begged, borrowed, threatened my ex-husband".

The blonde laughed out "Good for you!".

"And as soon as I paid up, they put me back on rotation".

Susan looked amused "And Corday sent you down for a consult?".

The other woman shrugged "Well, she was jammed. She figured I could handle a bowel obstruction".

"So, no more nursing?".

Abby shook her head "I'm still going to take a few shifts for a while, I need the money".

The blonde shook her head at her gingerly "You never said  _anything_..." and Abby nodded "I didn't want to jinx it...".

Susan smiled proudly at her "Wow, you must feel great".

"I  _do_ ".

"And tired", Susan grinned noticing the dark circles around her eyes.

Abby nodded "I was up till 3 studying the branches of the facial nerve. We have a parotid resection later".

They rolled the gurney in and Susan quipped before the elevators doors closed "Ten zebras bit my cockatoo! It's a mnemonic: t-z-b-m-c. Mnemonics got me through med school. I'll see you around!".

The doors closed and Abby tried to keep the giddiness out of her face. She'd been harboring the desire of finishing med school for a while. Since she went back to AA, she started to really look at her life and the decisions she had made. She didn't follow through with anything - when something got in the way, she'd shut down or give up. It happened with her family, her marriage, med school. It happened with Carter.

Abby didn't want to give up anymore - she would finish med school and get her MD.

And she was going to fight for her own happiness.

* * *

When Abby started her ER rotation,  _everyone_  had an opinion about her decision of going back to med school. The nurses kept giving her a hard time, like she was betraying them or something and when she asked Chuny to change a banana bag, the nurse had side eyed her almost scornfully "In a minute,  _doc_ ".

The doctors expected her to know everything and it didn't help that she was paired up with Encyclopedia Girl...  _Neela_ , her name was Neela.

Neela knew every obscure symptom for every obscure disease, read every damn study in every medical journal known to man.

She was getting on her nerves already.

Abby saw Susan approaching them as the patient asked Neela if he was having a heart attack "I don't think so, but your heart is beating fast". Neela showed Susan the tests "No T waves, narrow QRS". Susan asked gently if this had ever happened before but the man said it hadn't. The younger woman added quickly "EKG tech's on his way".

Susan nodded "Supraventricular tachycardia?".

"Yes, vagal maneuvers didn't work. Adenosine?".

"Six miligrams".

Abby listened to the exchange and watched Susan as she double checked the lab orders. The blonde smiled at the British med student "Nice assessment". Neela almost squeaked with the praise and Abby rolled her eyes and followed Susan down the hall.

She reached her and huffed "You never compliment  _me_  like that".

"Like what?", the blonde smirked as she listened to her.

" _Nice assessment_ ", Abby mimicked in an excessively sultry impersonation of Susan's voice.

The blonde chuckled "I  _do_!".

She shook her head and didn't look amused "No, you  _don't_ ".

"I don't?", Susan thought about her words. Maybe she hadn't phrased it in the exact same way, but she remembered complimenting Abby a few days ago when she inserted a chest tube.

Susan smiled when she realized that Abby was just jealous. She lowered her voice before entering Exam Room 1 "I give you my  _time_ , which is the highest form of a compliment".

Abby watched as the door closed behind her and cursed herself mentally for behaving like an idiot.

* * *

Neela watched Abby. She always looked so focused and like she actually  _knew_  what she was doing. Neela cringed every time she had to stick a needle or make small talk with a patient. She could answer most of the medical stuff in a heartbeat - she had photographic memory and had relied on it to get through med school. But she knew it wasn't enough.

Everyone seemed so skillful and passionate. It was all so fast paced just like the American TV shows she watched as a kid. And there she was, Nerdy Neela from Southall living her own American dream and feeling so bloody insecure.

She returned her gaze to Abby, still so enthralled by their EM manual and she cleared her voice "Abby?... Do you ever feel like you  _can't_  do this?".

The other woman looked at her briefly before smirking "Every single day. But then I just suck it up and do my job the best I can".

Neela played with her pen "Dr. Lewis asked me to talk to the wife of the MVA we got earlier… the one that didn't make it…And I couldn't do it. I asked Michael to do it…".

Abby leaned back on her chair "She has to sign off your chart, you know that, right?". Abby knew that if Susan specifically asked Neela to do it, she would check up on it later.

"I think the attendings don't like me", Neela sighed and Abby just chuckled "What? They're always praising you, always asking you the most improbable differentials that you always manage to get right!". Abby hoped she wasn't fishing for compliments because she just wasn't in the mood.

"I think they keep asking me questions trying to  _unravel_  me… like they sense that most of the time I'm actually  _clueless_ ". She kept sketching on the borders of her notepad until she heard Abby's voice again.

"Look, the ER isn't for everyone… It's intense, you have to make several judgement calls during your shift and no one values what we do down here… If it makes you feel better, I feel exactly the same way. I'm a damn good nurse but I'm not sure I'll be any good as a doctor…", Abby confessed and smiled encouragingly.

Behind them, Susan cleared her voice and they both turned around. "Excuse me. Care to join me, Neela? I'm discharging your patient in Curtain 2 but he says you haven't explained him his out-patient care routine".

Neela almost winced and quickly scurried out of the lounge. Susan watched her as she left and she called out before leaving "Abby?".

When the brunette looked up, she quipped "You're not a good doctor  _yet_ , but you'll be. Wanna try out a crike?".

Abby reached the door in seconds "I've never done one…" and they bumped awkwardly against each other as they both went out of the door. Susan's hand found Abby's forearm for balance and her lips curled into a smile, unable to mask the dizziness she felt around her "I'll talk you through it".

* * *

Abby rarely had company now, so she couldn't hide her smile when she saw Susan through the spy-hole.

The blonde grinned as she opened the door for her "I bear  _food_ ".

She watched as Susan went directly to her kitchen "Chinese and sodas. I don't know about you, but I'm starving".

If this was just someone else, Abby would've hated the barging in. But she watched contently as she rambled on, looking for plates for their food. Abby smiled "Susan, you don't have to do this".

She stopped in her tracks and gave her a little smirk "What,  _eat_? I'm hungry. And I know you haven't eaten either".

Abby knew she knew exactly what she meant but she let it go. "Weren't you supposed to go out with Chuck?". She had heard him asking her out earlier. He always seemed to be around County nowadays.

Susan rolled her eyes "He's getting a little too  _clingy_. We haven't done anything in ages and I checked your schedule and saw that you weren't on until tomorrow evening, so I decided to stop by…", she said as she took the first bite.

"What's the plan for tonight?", Abby asked in jest, sipping at her soda.

"We can watch a movie. Diss men. Whatever you want", the blonde shrugged.

Abby cocked an eyebrow as she ate her food "You  _heard_  about the letter".

Susan wasn't going to pretend she hadn't. Everyone in the ER talked about the letter Luka brought her from Carter "For the record, I think he's being an asshole".

"Maybe I'm just not cut out for relationships", Abby declared gently.

It was a little out of character for her to be actively dissecting the subject, but she needed to talk about it, put her thoughts out there. "I did what I always do… I shut him out when my brother needed me and I wasn't there for him when his grandmother died… I know I'm a piece of work. Can't really blame him for dumping me...".

Susan looked thoughtful before giving her two cents. "My personal life is a mess mostly because of my relationship with my sister. Chloe was my  _idol_  when I was a kid... She was the best sister you can imagine... taking me to all the cool places, letting me hang out with her friends... Then she got involved with the wrong people and I  _couldn't_  give up on her. It has impaired me from furthering my own personal relationships and I've spent way too much time in therapy to get to the conclusion that it's  _mutual_. As much as I convince myself that she needs me,  _I_  need her too".

Abby nodded " _That_. Nothing hurts more than my brother not talking to me… I can't understand, we've always been so close...".

The blonde whispered "Give him time. We always forgive them, right?". She thought about how many times she promised herself that she'd cut Chloe from her life. It's just wasn't that easy. Moving back to Chicago had been a huge step for her, trying to break that cycle.

After they ate, they sat on to the couch to watch a movie but Abby's mind wandered away. She asked a question that had been on her mind lately "How did you know that I'd come?". Susan looked at her blankly and Abby tried again "That day in the lounge. When you asked me to meet you and Carter. How did you know that I'd come?".

The blonde smiled softly "I  _didn't_  know. Carter almost killed me, he was so scared that you'd take offense or something. I just... I guess I was hoping you would".

The brunette pressed "Why?".

"I can't really say. Me and Carter... it was fun but he was so obviously into you… I guess I wanted to see what he saw in you...". She didn't raise her eyes from her hands and Abby prodded gently "Are we ever going to acknowledge  _this_?".

Susan looked up and saw Abby gesturing back and forth with her hand between them. She spoke softly "I value your friendship more than anything...".

Abby's voice lowered another octave "But you're attracted to me...".

Susan felt her cheeks warming and she let a smile escape " _Yes._  But it's different now. I'd never come between you two".

Abby entangled her fingers in her hand and whispered "He's not here anymore...".

Susan took Abby's hand and pressed a kiss to the back of her hand "No. I think he still  _is_ ". She knew she had feelings for the other woman, it was too damn obvious. But she also knew Abby was lonely and loneliness was a terrible advisor.

Abby thought about her words. She couldn't deny that she was hurt about Carter leaving her, she  _was -_ she had harbored feelings for him for quite some time now. It was complex because she couldn't just switch off a button and  _forget_  about him. But she found herself thinking about Susan more and more lately - whether she was with Chuck or not, whether she'd see her at work.

In the darkest periods of her life, Abby had slept with a lot of people. A few were women - because when drunk, miserable and lonely, gender wasn't that important to her. She was okay with the occasional ambivalence of her sexuality - she never really had to address it because she kept dating men. Abby had searched intimacy but those hook-ups brought her nothing other than the immediate satisfaction of her lust. Susan was the first woman Abby had wanted while  _very sober_. And she knew that it wasn't just the sex that she remembered too vividly.

It was  _everything_  else.

Susan  _got_  her and it was terrifying as hell.

They looked moonily into each other's eyes and it would've been too easy, because she knew that if she kissed her, Susan wouldn't push her away - she could see it in her eyes.

For once in her life, Abby wanted to do things right. She was tired of hurting people and getting hurt. She was tired of being bitter and lonely. Contrary to what she had said to Carter a few months ago, she wanted to  _change_.

She moved closer to Susan and wrapped herself around her, her forehead resting in the crook of her neck. Susan wasn't expecting that move but her arms curled instinctively around her, holding her close. She was sure Abby could hear her racing heartbeat, her cheek was pressed against her chest. But Abby didn't move and didn't say anything else.

Her fingers raked through Abby's hair who purred softly against her. The humming on her skin went down Susan's body and she could feel her body warm in all the places they touched, it was maddening.

Susan thought about Chuck. He was a good guy, he made her laugh and the sex was good. She had avoided the subject like the plague whenever she sensed he was going to ask her to give them a shot. She now knew why - it paled in comparison to  _this_.

Holding Abby in her couch, stroking her hair, the two of them dimly lit by the TV screen, that was  _intimate_. Quickies in bathroom stalls were _not_  - that was about sublimating the longing she carried in her system. And she knew it wasn't for  _him_.

She sensed when Abby's breathing started slowing down and her body relaxed into her form – she'd fallen asleep.

She should get up and go home, she was  _so_  tired.

But with Abby so close to her, Susan couldn't bring herself to move an inch.

 


	8. Chapter 8

He cracked a smile as soon as he saw her "The lab coat looks good on you...".

Abby reciprocated the sincere smile "How are you?".

Luka took her hand and remembered how tiny her hands always looked in his "Much better".

He had lost some weight and was still jaundiced from the malaria. She deadpanned "You look like you were hit by a truck".

He chuckled and nodded "I missed you too, Abby".

She tugged at his hair and whispered anxiously "God, you almost  _died_...". Their relationship had been a mess but she cared about him and was glad that he was back, safe and sound.

Luka didn't want to think about his last days in Matenda, so he forced himself to smile "So, you're back in med school?".

"I'm on ER rotation right now", she said and he nodded appreciatively "You'll make a good doctor...".

"I hope so", she smiled back and both kept quiet until Luka looked up again "You're not gonna ask about Carter?".

Abby pursed her lips before answering "That letter you brought me was very...  _enlightening_ ".

Luka tried to sit straighter and spoke evenly "Being out there, it changes you... how you see yourself and the rest of the world...".

Before he could continue, Abby stopped him "Yeah, Luka. Must be true because everyone says what a humbling experience it is, how grateful the people are, how overwhelming the sunset is, the joy in the children's smiles... I heard that from  _everyone_ ".

He nodded as if to make a point "He  _loves_  you".

At that, Abby had to chuckle "That's one way of showing it...".

"I understand why he wants to stay. We really make a difference there. It makes all our problems seem so... petty".

He sounded a little too protective of Carter and she cocked a brow at him "When did you two became best buddies?". He shrugged noncommittally "Well, the guy saved my life..."

Abby tried to smile but her words sounded harsher than she meant "We have hundreds of patients here, everyday, who need our help too". Looking out at the window, Abby shook her head scornfully "Then he sends me that pompous letter  _allowing_  me to move on with my life... what a  _dick_ ".

"I think he didn't want you to think that he's staying over there to hurt you...", Luka tried to explain but Abby cut him off "Well, I don't  _care_ what Carter thinks. I have to go now, we're swamped down there".

As she ran down the stairs to the ER, Abby realized that his absence didn't hurt anymore.

So much had happened since he went away that she was almost glad that she didn't have to deal with him too.

* * *

When her lease was up, Susan decided she needed a change. She'd finally paid off all her student loans, had a more than average yearly income and a decent credit score. It only made sense that she'd look for a place to buy.

She always thought, as a girl, that she'd have a family at her age. Susan knew her relationship with Chuck wasn't meant to be taken seriously, but she could finally afford to live in a nice condo. She got a good deal for a quite spacious 2 bedroom in Lakeview - with the mentioned view and garage space - she wouldn't have to worry about finding a parking spot in the middle of the night anymore.

She thought about getting a cat for company.

Susan was now dealing with the nightmare of having all her belongings scattered in dozens of boxes. She felt like smashing her phone against the wall when the store manager apologized for the delay, but the new bed she'd ordered wouldn't be available until next week.

"Fuck", she muttered to herself as she disconnected the call. Susan had planned to spend the weekend in her new house - she would have to sleep on the couch.

"You're in a good mood".

She turned around and saw Abby leaning against the counter, sipping at a coffee cup. She smiled briefly before sighing "I  _hate_  moving out. Everywhere I look there's boxes, boxes, boxes!".

Abby came closer and asked "You working tomorrow?".

Susan shook her head and Abby volunteered "I'm off too. I can help you unpack - I'm good at it".

Having her around would make it all more bearable " _Really_? I'm sure you have better plans for the weekend…".

She watched the brunette disposing her paper cup in the trash, a playful smile on her lips "I want to see your new place. And you can cook me dinner, if it makes you feel better".

Susan tried not to sound too excited "Sounds like a plan".

* * *

Abby wasn't bragging when she said she was an unpacking expert. She approached the task with the same focus she had in the trauma room - she had emptied all the boxes with kitchen utensils, bed linens, towels and had stored everything in the right place.

Susan watched her from the corner of her eye, all warm inside just from having her around the house.

She was now in the spare bedroom assembling books in shelves. Susan had quite a collection, from medical books, to novels and foreign authors that she was sure she never had time to read. She stored them in horizontal stacks to prevent the spines from rolling or the boards to become warped.

Inside one of the books, Abby found a picture as a makeshift bookmark. It was an old photo of Susan holding a baby, she guessed it was her niece. Susan's hair was darker, but what stuck her was how happy she looked in that picture, her smile so radiant.

Abby propped it against the books so that Susan would have it framed if she wanted.

The other woman found her contemplating the photo and almost gushed behind her "I  _love_  this picture…". She turned around so she would face her and their eyes met "It's  _beautiful_ ".

Susan couldn't tell if it was the downward curve of Abby's voice, if it was the intensity in her eyes or if it was just the surprisingly warm air breezing from the open window. She couldn't explain  _anything_  because her body was moving closer to Abby's and all she could hear was her heart thumping loudly in her eardrums.

Her fingers got tangled in silky hair, so soft that she could get  _lost_  in it. Susan trapped Abby against the window sill, her hands refusing to move from her hair as she contemplated the pout in front of her with pure fascination.

When she looked up, Abby's eyes seemed to grow larger and deeper and Susan knew they  _shouldn't_ , but they  _wanted._

And they  _would_.

Abby tasted exactly how she remembered - a mix of berry chapstick and faint cigarette smoke - and they kissed like their lives depended on it, each woman worried that the other would have a sudden change of heart. Susan teased Abby's lower lip, tugging gently until the brunette complied and their tongues met in a much awaited dance.

Abby's arms curled around her waist, bringing them impossibly closer. Susan could feel every nerve in her body reacting to the closeness, her body temperature creeping up.

In the moments when she allowed herself, Susan had fantasized about this moment for most of the past months. Her body was so, so ready it was disconcerting. She felt Abby's hands everywhere and Susan felt like she was going to arrest when Abby's thigh pressed between her own, full of purpose.

She had to break the kiss to breathe.

Abby watched her with swollen lips and questioning eyes but didn't say anything. Susan said the words she knew she  _had_  to say "We shouldn't…", but Abby was pretending to be deaf and resumed kissing her hard, so hard that Susan couldn't tell how they went from standing to down on their knees and all the while  _still_  kissing.

She undid Susan's shirt with undisturbed precision and was now unbuttoning her slacks, her lips gently nipping the soft skin of her neck, drawing moans from Susan's throat.

The blonde realized her hands were still on Abby's hair when she pulled involuntarily and made the other woman wince a little - Abby's hand was now stroking her over her underwear and she knew she  _really_  should pull away and make her stop right  _now_.

Susan even had a  _list_  of why they should stop.

They were friends – it could get messy and she didn't want them to end up hating each other.

There was Carter - Susan secretly feared that Abby's interest would fizzle out when he'd come back.

There was Chuck, too - she shouldn't be leading him on because she knew that every time she caved in, his hopes of them becoming an item would go up.

She was a senior attending and Abby was a med student now - attending/student relationships were a big no-no in hospital hierarchy and a huge career  _faux pas_.

She'd have to grade her, it was beyond  _inappropriate_  - they could get in serious trouble.

Not to mention the very obvious: they were both women. They'd never live it down.

All these considerations didn't really matter now because she was lying on the floor of her half furnished apartment looking at the sun reflecting on Abby's hair.

And she was going to kiss her again.

This wasn't how she had fantasized being with Abby - not the two of them rolling in the floor between all the damn boxes... But seeing her smiling at her like that, before trailing kisses down her shoulder, Susan couldn't ask for anything else.

She smiled inwardly at how quickly Abby got rid of her bra, the smile morphing into a breathy sigh when she felt Abby's warm mouth on her left breast. She was  _burning_  and she needed Abby out of that shirt  _now_. The other woman sensed her distress, got on her knees and took her top off demurely, revealing black lace to Susan's pleading eyes.

"Come here...", she said softly and Abby obliged, pressing herself against her, her arms framing Susan's face only for her eyes. She felt Susan's fingers unclasping her bra and she moved just a few inches so the blonde would remove the garment from her.

Abby felt the heat rise within her as their breasts pillowed together, the feeling of warm flesh so luxuriating. Everywhere her hands touched was soft and inviting, the headiness scared Abby. She didn't like feeling so out of control.

Then she felt Susan rolling them over, her hands pulling down the hem of her pants. The blonde chuckled against her skin "I'm sorry I don't have a bed...".

"Who needs beds?", she shrugged as she pushed herself on her elbow. She looked on as Susan relieved her of her jeans and ran a hand down her side, leaving kisses on the trail of her fingers. She tingled in delirious anticipation.

Abby stroked her hair gently and when Susan looked up, she cupped her chin. Susan acquiesced and pulled herself up until they were face to face again. They kissed messily, drunk in each other's presence, hands mapping heated skin, trying to relieve them of unnecessary clothing.

In that very moment, Susan was  _so_  happy.

Caught up with all the warmth bursting in her chest, Susan floated over Abby and almost blurted out the three words that burned on her tongue. But it wasn't appropriate - not because she wasn't sure of what she felt, but because she didn't want to weird Abby out or break the spell they found themselves in.

So she pressed her mouth against Abby's again and resumed kissing her.

Abby parted her legs, she nestled herself between them and she started nuzzling her earlobe, her neck, the hollow of her throat. When she cupped her breasts, she felt Abby's nails digging into her shoulders and the brunette sighed "Do you enjoy torturing women on your free time?". Susan looked up, just a second before her lips encircled a rosy nipple "No… just you".

With their eyes locked, Susan let her left hand wander down the velvelty skin at her disposal. Abby had wanted to play it cool but was  _so_ turned on. She entangled her hand in Susan's hair and whispered huskily in her ear "I really need you to touch me...".

Abby didn't like to ask for anything, much less during sex - it always made her feel vulnerable and vulnerable was uncomfortable. But being so subjugated, with Susan, wasn't uncomfortable. It was like coming  _home._

And Susan listenened - she always listened to what Abby had to say, she really shouldn't be surprised. Abby heard herself gasp and then sigh against smooth lips when Susan pulled her panties aside and stroked her for the first time. She was so wet that it was difficult getting any kind of friction so Susan opted for dipping her fingers and watched her closely with hooded eyes.

Susan didn't remember being so turned on ever, but she supposed that's what endless months of flirtation did to one person. What mattered, in that moment, was that Abby was so responsive to what she was doing - Susan found that very arousing.

Abby's eyes rolled into the back of her skull as the blonde's fingers filled her and the warmth of her mouth covered her breasts. Susan sensed that she had to slow her rhythm, she wanted to prolong their tryst as much as they would handle.

As she released a over-excited nipple from her lips, she smiled at the woman squirming under her "You're close, aren't you?". Abby nodded and bit her lower lip "I'm sorry I'm so worked up… it's just… it's been a while".

Susan recalled that she must not have sex since before Carter left – her brother, the funeral… She tried to keep the mood in a light tone and teased her "Don't apologize... It's kind of flattering, really".

Abby closed her eyes and trashed her head back, her dark hair fanning out on the wooden floor, as Susan cupped her mound and pressed the heel of her hand against her.

* * *

As she beat the eggs in the bowl, Susan's eyes were fixated on the woman asleep in her living room. They had spent the night together, snuggled up in her couch, and even if her neck resented it, Susan couldn't remember the last time she woke up so content.

But as she poured the eggs in the frying pan, doubts clouded her mood. She knew they'd have to discuss the consequences of the previous night. She was worried about what they would do now.

Abby came find her at the stove, with her hair in her eyes and wearing just a t-shirt she had lended her the night before. She pushed herself up on her toes and kissed her cheek "Morning...", Susan leaned into the contact and smiled "I was just fixing us breakfast...".

Abby sat at the kitchen island and gave her a cheeky grin "I'm  _famished_. Someone wore me out last night...". Susan just smiled as she served her eggs and poured her a cup of fresh coffee.

They ate quietly and when they were finished, Abby helped Susan clear the table and watched her closely. The brunette backed Susan gently against the fridge and asked cautiously "Are  _we_  okay?".

Susan nodded and smiled reassuringly but Abby looked her in the eye and spoke sofly "Do you regret what happened?". The blonde shook her head vigorously " _No_! You know I don't... It's just...". She rolled her eyes at herself and spoke frankly "You're a med student and I'm on the evaluation committee...".

Abby mock gasped "I  _know_! Look, it's not like I'm some babe in the woods... We're grown ups".

Susan nodded but was still anxious "We can get in trouble if anyone in the hospital board knows... If they approach us...".

She was rambling and Abby was determined to stop her. She nuzzled her cheek and whispered "Can we  _not_  talk about the hospital right now?", she punctuated her words with a lick on Susan's earlobe. The other woman moaned, her eyes heavy-lidded "Abby...".

Abby raked her inner thigh with her nails and kept her tone slow and sensual "We're both off the hook till later. I'm sure we can find a better way to entertain ourselves...".

Susan stopped pretending she could fight against the desire she felt growing in the pit of her stomach.

She turned her face slightly and captured the soft lips that she knew would be her decay.

 


	9. Chapter 9

Abby spotted her immediately by the nurses' station, laughing with Jing-Mei and Jerry. She watched for a moment because when Susan laughed, it was impossible not to smile. Abby pushed the lounge's door open and went to her locker to change. With her juggling her rotation with her nursing shifts, they hadn't seen each other in a few days. Luka was still on leave and Carter was still away, so Susan was pulling a lot of doubles. They seemed to have stubbornly opposing shifts and six full days had passed since that time in Susan's apartment.

_Am I keeping track?_  Abby frowned at herself, she was sounding like a really creepy guy she dated once.

As she adjusted her scrubs, she smiled as she remembered the message Susan had left on her voice mail the day before. She'd babbled about her day, about the funny dwarf prostitute patient they'd had, about Chuny's new boyfriend. Then, she gave herself away completely with a defeated sigh "So, I was just touching base. Uh... I... I miss you... Ok, uh... Bye".

Abby, being the queen of non-communication that she was, couldn't help but read meaning into the other woman's attempt of keeping the connection flowing between them.

When she started her shift, Susan had already been called to one of the trauma rooms. But knowing that she was there, in the same physical space, was enough to bring a smile to her face.

She rolled her eyes - she wasn't like  _this,_  all gooey and slushy.

With a deliberate oomph, Abby pulled her best professional face and went to check on her first patient.

* * *

Pratt tilted his chin up appreciatively as he ungowned himself "Nice save". Susan smirked all the while getting rid of her bloodied gloves "Who knew this old dog could perform new tricks?". She signed the chart before handing it back to him "Let me know when the wife gets here".

She pushed the doors open and went to admit to update the board. Halfway through her shift and she was finally starting to clear it up. She had managed to stabilize a hopeless looking stab wound with Pratt but they were still backed up with all the flus and bounce back migraines.

Susan went to the curtain area and saw Abby changing an IV. She smiled at the patient "How are you feeling, Mrs Johnson?". The elderly smiled gently "Much better now, sweetheart. I'm in good hands". Susan nodded and glanced at Abby. They both tried to be professional and casual but their eyes exuded something else.

They walked side by side to the hallway, Susan writing on her chart and Abby looking at her feet, her hands in her pockets. The brunette smiled "Such a nice lady".

"Wanna swap? The guy in Exam 2 called me a bitch earlier".

Abby chuckled and then lowered her voice "What's up with your schedule this week?".

The blonde closed her eyes for a second and sighed "Weaver owes me big time! I'm covering for  _everyone_ ".

Abby wasn't used to making the first move – she wasn't usually comfortable in showing too much interest early on in a relationship, but this was somehow different.

They had done everything backwards – first getting into bed (it still amazed her how quickly she had jumped into  _that_ ) and then taking the time to know and to learn to trust each other.

But just seeing each other at work wasn't  _enough_  now. She tried to sound spontaneous "If you're not too tired, we could do something later…".

Susan was an idealist at heart and had learned to settle for less. Now that she was having these overwhelming  _feelings_ , she didn't know how to deal with how  _exposed_  she felt. It was hard after all those years of insipid dating and keeping her feelings at bay. Abby  _knew_  that she cared about her.

She was like a moth attracted to a flame and she was terrified that she'd get burnt. Whatever was happening between them was dangerous. She didn't have control over her feelings and she didn't like being so dependable on someone else. But she couldn't help it.

She was still pretending to be writing down notes on her chart and she looked up and smiled gently "Sure…".

Abby's pout turned into a satisfied smirk and she quipped "So, my place, say around seven? We can order pizza".

"I'll bring dessert".

"Sounds like a date", Abby winked as she adjusted her stethoscope.

Enthralled by Abby's brown eyes, but fully aware that they were in the middle of the hallway with patients, gurneys and the usual everyday chaos around them, Susan looked around and whispered "We really shouldn't be having this conversation here".

* * *

Abby opened the door and let Susan in. She had her hair in a lopsided braid and wore jeans and a silky blouse - hardly dressed up but different from the formless scrubs she wore at work. Finally alone, they looked at each other with mild shyness. Susan toyed with the end of her braid and smiled as she leaned closer "You're pretty tonight…".

"Thanks", she smiled and accepted her kiss willingly. Susan's hand came around the back of her head and kissed her sensually, forcing her lips apart. Susan was still unsure about what they'd do about their relationship, but she knew she wanted to keep on kissing that woman.

Abby felt her blood rushing wildly through her veins. Kissing Susan was thrilling because it was obvious how much she wanted her too. She forced herself to stop and broke the kiss gently "Let's order, we can make out later".

"I'll hold you to it…", the blonde chuckled and handed Abby the cheesecake she had bought from a deli not far from County "Pizza and cheesecake… there goes my diet…".

* * *

The ragged breath, the diaphoretic skin, the dampness on her lips and chin. All proof that Susan wasn't faking it and  _this_  was real. More to herself than anything else, Abby smiled as she kissed her above the navel - it was intoxicating that she could extract that kind of pleasure from Susan, the headiness could become addictive.

That's why AA encouraged celibacy during recovery, in the first place.

Soft and sensual - that's how sex with a woman was always described and it was very much true. A man's body was hard and imposing - she always had to slip out of Luka's arms to avoid being crushed during his sleep or how she had to fight Carter for the covers and ask him to roll over to his side. They hogged her bed and it seemed endearing at the time.

Abby trailed a path with her tongue up the blonde's body, throwing a leg around her hip and sliding her hands up Susan's rib cage. Now that she was snuggled up against Susan's curves, she found that softness peaceful and comforting. She'd always craved this kind of intimacy.

Susan cleared her throat and chuckled softly "I  _can't_  move".

Abby didn't budge an inch "Is there somewhere you have to go?".

She felt a warm hand running down her back and Susan whispered contently "No, I don't".

She didn't have to be  _anywhere_ , she could stay like this forever, it was crazy.  _Crazy_  was exactly how Susan felt when she was around Abby. And also rattled, excited, helpless but so happy.

With all her emotions so out of control, the blonde stroked Abby's hair and all but whispered "What are we doing?".

Abby looked up and saw the doubts and anxiety in Susan's eyes. She didn't want them to get into that  _now_ but she couldn't lie to her "Honestly, I have no idea...".

She just wanted them to keep holding each other, skin against skin, to have coffee in the ambulance bay and gossip about the latest rumor mill or look at the stars in the roof in those really long night shifts.

Susan needed reassurance, she could see the thoughts running through her head. Abby knew that whatever they were doing  _felt_  right. Susan knew she was flawed - she knew about her crazy family  _and_  the drinking. But she didn't run away or pinpoint all her issues.

In fact, she even seemed a little smitten.

Abby hoped she wouldn't screw up. This  _thing_  could easily become the sanest relationship she'd had in a very long time.

But she just couldn't find her voice or the right words and so she pressed their lips together again, effectively silencing Susan's fears.

* * *

Kerry Weaver had called her twice already and it wasn't even ten in the morning. Susan wondered what could be so urgent to drag the  _only_ attending on shift out of the floor. Romano had quit after his amputation and she had, unsurprisingly, got his job as Chief of Staff, in addition of being ER Chief.

Susan couldn't remember the last time she had seen her work a full shift.

When she entered her new office, she sat on the plush chair in front of the redhead and rested her stethoscope on the fancy wooden desk "I know you called twice and you paged me too... but we had a guy coding in sutures and it's a zoo down there...".

"I have my hands full with this..." Weaver waved a hand in the air and Susan looked at her skeptically "I can  _imagine_ ". She hoped she hadn't called her to chitchat "Why you wanted to see me?".

"I'm appointing you ER Chief, effective immediately".

As usual when she was complimenting someone, Kerry said it like it was nothing and Susan just blinked unsure of what she'd heard " _What_?".

"I know I haven't been very involved since Robert's accident... But you've stepped up every single time, I've been paying attention. I know it's not easy to run the place with so many people away, but you managed to do it with resilience  _and_  the best patient satisfaction scores".

Susan smiled nervously "Are you  _sure_? Because most days I have to keep myself from strangling people".

Weaver chuckled "I know the feeling. You've been doing my job for the past months, it's only fair to make it official and update your paycheck".

"I don't know what to say", Susan knew this was great - especially with her new mortgage - but she was  _so_  drained.

Weaver looked startled "Say  _yes_. I already signed you up for tomorrow's executive committee meeting".

Susan sighed "I knew there was a catch".

* * *

Lydia peeked through the curtains "Abby? Dr. Lewis wants to see you when you have a minute. She's in the on-call room".

Abby nodded but was immediately anxious. She'd heard the news as soon as she came in and she had an idea of what Susan wanted to discuss with her.

She finished her sutures and asked Yosh to update the patient's tetanus and hang a gram of Ancef.

Susan was signing charts, using the gurney as her desk and Abby smiled when she closed the door behind her "Hiding out?".

The blonde managed a faint smile "Yeah...". Abby leaned against the gurney and squeezed her hand gently "Congratulations on your promotion".

Susan gave her a sad smile and kept silent.

Abby looked into her eyes and asked gently, her vulnerability on full display "So, that's it?".

The blonde closed her eyes before her resolve faltered and then she whispered "Abby... we  _can't_...".

She crossed her arms defensively and pursed her lips. She  _knew_  this would happen as soon as Haleh had told her, smiling like it was the best news  _ever_. Most of the ER staff rejoiced at Susan's promotion, not only because they liked her, but mostly because it would keep Weaver away from the floor.

She knew she was being selfish - this was huge for Susan and she should be happy for her. But she just  _couldn't_.

Susan spoke softly "You don't want to be the med student that slept with the chief, the reputation would never leave you throughout your career...".

Abby's eyes became incensed "You're worried about my  _career_?! What about  _I_  worry about that? You're just trying to cover your ass! Do you think I'm gonna file a sexual harassment claim against you?!".

She was making a scene and Susan grabbed her arm "Abby! Listen to me. We  _can't_  do this. I  _am_  sorry. I wish things were different".

Abby stifled a nervous laugh and looked at her feet "I guess I  _misread_  everything".

"You didn't misread  _anything_. There's this  _thing_  going on between us and it scares the hell out of me, okay? I'm being honest with you here - I don't even know how to  _deal_  with it. Even if I hadn't been appointed, would you be my  _girlfriend_? Would  _I_  have the guts to introduce you to my friends, to my parents? I have no idea, Abby".

She was so angry at Susan for breaking them up before they were even started, but she knew what she meant. It terrified her too. But they could be discreet, no one would have to know about them. They could  _try_.

All her life, Susan had waited for perfection and never found it. Now that she had learned to be alone, Susan wasn't used to being so out of control of her own feelings. It was daunting and she forced herself to say the words she had rehearsed all morning.

"I have to be fair to every med student out there. And no matter what you say,  _I_  don't want you to be known as the med student who slept with the boss - that happens to be a woman too... it's just too salacious. I  _am_  sorry. I hope we can still be friends".

The brunette looked up and spoke evenly "Anything else?".

Susan searched for the kindness that she always saw in Abby's eyes but found none. She shook her head and watched her leave.

She had just made her first decision as County's Chief of Emergency Medicine.

Her hand grabbed the nearby stethoscope and she trashed it against the wall.

 


	10. Chapter 10

Neela thought about how to approach Abby. She had been especially irritable in the past days and she didn't want to piss her off even more "Abby. Could you help me with the lady in Curtain 4? I can't seem to get any useful info from her…".

Abby didn't even bother to look up from what she was writing "I'm a nurse  _today_. Find Gallant or Morris". She was finishing the nurses' schedule for the following month when Susan appeared from the lounge out of her lab coat.

She grabbed the charts on the rack "Neela… bounce back migraine in 5 when you're finished with your lady in Curtain 4. Run everything with Dr Chen".

Chen passed by and she handed her the remaining charts "Sorry to dump this on you, but I have RN's interviews in ten minutes".

Jing-Mei nodded and smiled "Do you and Chuck want to go out for dinner later? We're thinking that new italian place on Broadway".

Aware that Neela and Abby were in the earshot, Susan lowered her voice "Me and Chuck are  _done_ ".

Chen raised her eyebrows at her " _Again_?".

Susan threw her a mock glare "For  _real_ , this time. Have fun you two – but not  _too much_ , Greg's on the morning shift", she winked and the other woman smiled slyly. She turned and asked "Abby? You ready to go?".

The nurse gathered her files and followed her down the hall. Things had been awkward between them and Susan felt tightness in her chest every time she noticed Abby averting her eyes away from her.

In the elevator, she tried to make small talk "We haven't worked the same shift in a while…" and the brunette nodded absentmindedly "Uh-uh".

Susan looked at Abby's trademark pout and let her mind wander for a second before declaring gently "You've been avoiding me...".

Her words made Abby frown at her "I'm doing  _exactly_  what you want".

Susan had called her a number of times after their falling out in the on-call room and Abby hadn't returned any of those calls. She sensed Susan looking at her and she forced herself to look away - those eyes would be her undoing.

The elevator doors opened with a bleeping sound and they walked in silence to the office they used for personnel interviews.

The first candidate was already waiting for them. Abby managed a smile "Nice to meet you, Sam. Abby Lockhart, nurse manager. This is Dr Lewis, our ER chief".

* * *

She had been acting out of character for some time now.

First, getting engaged to Dix, then running back to Chicago when she realized she'd spend the rest of her days in the damn desert with someone she couldn't hold a conversation with.

Once settled in Chicago, managing to start a dead-end relationship with Carter like they could be  _more_  than just good friends.

Then inviting Abby over for a threesome and turning it into a regular thing, until she realized she couldn't keep it casual because all she could think of were Abby's lips on her.

And as the  _pièce of résistance_  – getting married to a guy she met on a flight to Vegas, trying to prove herself that she wasn't already hopelessly in love with a certain brunette.

Alone with her thoughts, Susan admitted she  _loved_  her. Acknowledging it aloud was scary and not just because of the jarring thought of everyone knowing about them.

What disturbed her the most was that  _she_  didn't want them to sneak around. She wanted them to go on walks by the river, to go ice skating in Millennium Park in the winter. She wanted to be able to hold her hand and kiss her in public if she felt like it.

Abby had that inscrutable thing about her, it was part of her charm. She could see it in her eyes that it wasn't a one sided crush, Abby wanted her too. But she suspected she'd never have the guts to let them be together, become a real couple. Every time she had tried to address the subject, Abby had changed it smoothly.

Susan started to accept that they just weren't on the same page and she had to move on.

Her work was what had kept her sane since med school and she had to focus on that. When things got tough with Chloe, she'd immersed herself in annals and medical textbooks; a broken heart could be mended with a few graveyard shifts.

Susan never wanted status and fancy job titles. She remembered how Mark had offered her chief residency and how she'd declined much to his dismay.

She was the boss now and she  _had_  to set the tone. She couldn't be frolicking around with a med student!

Susan asked herself once again why she'd accepted the position.

Of course she  _knew_  why she'd accepted it. When scared, Susan ran away. She did it when Mark Greene started looking at her differently, she'd done it with Dix and she was doing it with Abby now.

Years of therapy made her recognize the pattern, even if the reasons in each situation were different.

She was running away from her feelings now because she knew that if Abby rejected her, it would be unbearable to handle. She'd lowered her guard and let Abby in and the result was this crazy mess.

Susan only had herself to blame.

* * *

Susan looked at Weaver feeling like a kid in the principal's office.

The redhead hung up her phone, shifted in her chair and smiled apologetically "Some psych patient tried to slice his wrists in the cafeteria. So, it's been a month since you've been in charge and I wanted to review some topics with you".

Kerry looked at the blonde with full attention for the first time since she entered her office. She looked tired but Kerry noticed that her eyes that were usually so full of life lacked something. She asked matter-of-factly "How's it going?".

Susan rolled her eyes "Everything I say seems to hurt someone's feelings, no one takes me seriously and I don't have a chief resident ".

Kerry smirked at her "Being in charge sucks".

The blonde looked at her skeptically " _That's_  it? Come on. You're good at being in charge".

The chief of staff gave her a knowing smile "I've long been accustomed to not being liked. We – women - we still worry about what others think and want to be please everyone. When you're in a position of authority you have to make unpopular decisions and you're going to piss people off. You're also going to lose friends in the process".

Susan sighed " _Jeez_. That's encouraging…".

Kerry looked at her reports from the last weeks and smiled " _Esprit de corps_  is high, the staff feels positive – I never had these numbers".

She knew Weaver was trying to cheer her up and she deadpanned "Yay, they  _like_  me".

Weaver propped her glasses on her nose "Which isn't to say there haven't been a few little glitches. First, the average wait time to see a physician is almost 10 hours. I think we'd all agree that's a bit excessive. Second, we had a record number of patients leave without treatment, which resulted in a record number of complaints coming directly to the administration – that would be  _me_ ".

"Yes, Kerry, I've tried…".

The redhead continued "Third, the number of bounce-backs in under 48 hours was up 11% signifying an increased rate of misdiagnoses, improper treatment and really just poor follow-up planning".

Susan tried to stop her "Kerry. You can give it to me straight. If this isn't working out…".

She looked up from her files and shook her head gingerly "Oh, don't be  _silly_. I think you're doing a great job. I just wanted to make you aware that there are still many, many, many problems for you to work on. And if there's one word I can't emphasize enough, Susan, it's  _leadership_. That's it".

* * *

Susan pushed the trauma room door open with her back and froze at the scene before her "What the hell are you doing?!". Abby was inserting a chest tube and she looked at Luka searching for reassurance. The tall doctor spoke as he checked the patients resps "I asked her to do it". She glared at Abby "You're not allowed to perform chest tubes! You  _know_  that!".

Abby nodded, her eyes always on the patient "He was critical, bleeding into his chest..." but Susan interrupted her "As far as I know, you're on _nursing_ shift today! Your insurance doesn't cover this kind of procedure! Are you guys  _crazy_?!", she looked at both and Kovac tried to reason with her "Susan, it was a tough intubation. I couldn't put a chest tube at the same time".

Susan remembered Weaver's words and after making sure the patient was stable, she spoke up assertively "Dr. Kovac, a word, please". She nodded towards the adjoining room and stood with her arms crossed. Luka watched her with a smirk on his face and she sighed "Look, if you want me to pull rank on you, there you go: this is  _my_  ER and I expect my attendings to do as I say and don't question me in front of the staff".

He shook his head "I didn't mean to disrespect you. This is a teaching hospital and Abby knows how to insert a chest tube,  _you've_  taught her".

"You can stop with the condescending tone, Luka. She's not even on rotation today! What if she had botched it and the patient sued us?! You're a senior attending, I don't even know why we're having this conversation".

Shaking her head, Susan left the room exasperated.

* * *

She was in a foul mood for the rest of her shift and nurses and residents now magically nodded at her every request. Susan hated having to act like a bitch to be taken seriously.

Randi, being Randi, was oblivious to everyone else's reserve and nodded at her "I really like that color on you. Makes your eyes really stand out". Caught off guard, she smiled "Thanks Randi. That's the nicest thing I've heard all day. I think my popularity is going down the drain".

The desk clerk returned her attention to her computer and smirked "Sometimes a girl just has to kick some ass".

Her eyes caught Abby going to the drug lock-up and she followed her.

She rolled her eyes at the blonde before she even opened her mouth "I'm just restocking the narcs. Which is, actually, a task on my job description".

Some other time, Susan would've chuckled at her attitude. But she hated them being like this "Believe it or not, I was trying to protect you earlier".

Abby didn't turn back and kept stocking the cabinet "I'm a big girl".

She closed the door behind them and the soft clicking sound made Abby turn around to finally face her.

"Why are you doing this?", she whispered as she close the distance between them. The brunette looked like a deer caught in the headlights and shook her head "Doing what?".

She knew exactly what she meant, Susan knew it. But she spoke softly "Delaying all my orders, putting up with an attitude every time I ask you something, inserting chest tubes just to piss me off...".

"Don't flatter yourself, Susan".

The blonde crossed her arms and leaned closer "We can't let our personal lives bleed into our work..." and the brunette plunged and stopped just inches away from her face. She whispered huskily "Why did you corner me in here, Susan? Is there  _anything_  you want?".

Abby could feel the sweat breaking on her temple, the desire she felt burning in her veins was threatening to unravel right there. She  _was_ taunting the other woman. But she just couldn't understand her - acting like some raving nazi one minute, then leaving sweet messages in her voice mail. She was trying to forget about what had happened between them but Susan wasn't making things easier.

Susan could feel their breaths mingling and she hated how her body reacted to the closeness. She was tingling all over and closed her eyes to assert herself.

She turned away nervously and gasped for air when she finally opened the door.

"Dr. Lewis? Are you feeling ok?".

Susan opened her eyes and saw Neela watching her curiously. She cleared her throat and took a deep breath in "I'm fine. What you got?". Neela handed her the chart and presented her the patient.

Neela couldn't help noticing Abby leaving the drug lock-up behind them with the longest face she had ever seen.

* * *

She was wallowing at a bar, like she had done so many times before. Abby ordered a diet coke but what she really craved was a shot of vodka. Or three or four. But getting back to the bottle would be too much of a cliché, even for her.

She had seen desire in Susan's eyes, it was  _still_  there. The realization only seemed to enrage her more - they were  _great_  together, how could Susan  _not_  see it?

A tall guy sat next to her, made a point to watch her not so discreetly. Abby eyed him too, he wasn't bad looking with his five o-clock shadow and hungry eyes.

He subtly told her that he was in town for a couple of days, staying at the Langham.

It was perfect, she could just fuck him and never see him again.

When he started dwelling on about his work - investment banker or something - Abby gracefully got down from her stool and smirked "Wanna share a cab?".

The guy threw some bills on the counter to cover their tab and followed her willingly into the night.

 


	11. Chapter 11

Malik yelled out "6 MVA's! Pile-up on Michigan Avenue!".

Abby nodded and ran towards the ambulance bay "I'll do triage!". There were already four ambulances pulling up and she heard Zadro calling her out as soon as she stepped out "Lockhart!".

She rushed to his side and started assessing the patient's injuries, her brain freezing at his words "It's Dr. Lewis".

Her face was covered in blood and Abby felt a pang in her chest. She was unconscious and that was never a good sign after a blunt trauma. She tried to focus on what Zadro was saying, watched her vitals and tried to speak but her throat was dry "Was she unconscious all the way here?". He shook his head "No, she blacked out just as we were pulling up".

Pratt glared at her when she invaded the trauma room with Susan's gurney "What the hell?!". Abby was already checking her chest and abdomen for internal bleeding "It's Susan! I need help!".

"I'm clamping this guy's aorta with my fingers! Where's Kovac?!", Pratt tried to keep his calm but he knew he was in trouble. His patient was critical but he had his boss in a gurney right beside him.

Yosh was ready to cut open her shirt but Abby stopped him "Get me a gown". He nodded and Abby tried to give her some privacy and removed her shirt as gently as possible, her hands shaking a little.

Last time Abby had undressed Susan, she'd shook in sweet anticipation.

Right now she was shaking out of pure fear.

Pratt watched as Abby waited for the tech to take a chest x-ray and she brought him the film "It's a hemothorax...". He nodded vigorously "Okay, stay cool. We're on it!". Abby nodded but could see he was in panic. She peeked in the other trauma room and saw Luka and Neela performing a thoracotomy.

"Luka, I have Susan on the table! She needs a chest tube!", she shouted, her voice cracking a little. She needed to keep her shit together.

His eyes were on hers immediately and he cried out " _What_?! I can't, get Pratt!".

"He's waiting on Surgery...", Abby went back to her side as she heard the monitors beeping angrily. Morris came in and looked around "Need a hand?". She gave him the chest drain "I need you to do this". He froze when he recognized Susan and immediately recoiled from the gurney "Oh, shit... I  _can't_  do this... What if I kill her?  _She'll_  kill me!".

Morris was a second year resident but she suspected he had never done a thoracostomy. Haleh was inflating the AMBU bag and looked at Abby with worried eyes "We have to intubate". Abby checked the monitors and nodded.

Susan needed  _her_  to make a call.

"Haleh, push the etomidate and sux. Morris, you're going to intubate her now!".

He reached for the laryngoscope and Abby watched as his hands trembled slightly. She hissed "Don't fuck this up and don't chip her teeth...".

She'd kill him if he ruined Susan's perfect smile.

When he nodded, signaling that he was in, she turned and looked at Pratt "Greg, she can't wait anymore...".

He nodded at her, his hands still inside his patient's chest.

Abby numbed the area and felt for the intercostal space with her fingers.

Susan  _would_  kill her, but right now, a pissed off Susan was a much more appealing image than the one she had in front of her.

* * *

There was a plethora of words, sounds and lights around her. She fought for consciousness and the light became increasingly stronger until it morphed into dozens of shining colors.

_"She's waking up..."_.

Susan recognized Elizabeth as she pointed a penlight at her eyes. She tried not to blink and sensed a discomfort when she tried to speak.

Her hands grabbed the tube and she felt pain creeping up her chest. It hurt like hell.

The surgeon stopped her hand "You were in a car accident, Susan. We had to intubate you". The blonde nodded weakly and she continued "Your sat levels are good so I'm going to extubate you right now, okay?".

Susan coughed as the passing tube stimulated her gag reflex. She winced in pain and tried to roll to her side, the pain increasing to unbearable levels.

She felt the surgeon's hands again "You need to lie very still. You had a hemothorax and you have a chest tube in".

Her eyes filled with tears as she tried to cough out the blood she felt in her throat. Her body ached all over.

Elizabeth handed her a cup with ice chips and it seemed to alleviate the roughness in her throat. She tried to look down her gown, but moving her face was intolerable so she whispered hoarsely "Did I have a thoracotomy?".

Corday shook her head and smiled "Your staff took good care of you. You have non displaced nasal and sinus fractures and three broken ribs. One of them caused the hemothorax. The drainage looks good, so you should be discharged in a few days".

Susan moaned " _A few_ days?".

The surgeon chuckled as she scribbled in her chart "Doctors  _are_  the worst patients… Abby said she'd bring you a change of clothes and toiletries".

Susan's eyes perked up at the mention and she asked softly "Abby was here?".

Elizabeth looked up briefly from her chart "I suspect she  _spent_  the night here. I found her asleep in that chair".

* * *

Susan woke up with a pleasant sensation on her scalp. When she was able to open her eyes, Abby was smiling down at her "Hey, you're up".

Susan couldn't move her facial muscles without excruciating pain. She winced and Abby soothed her "Try to stay still. The swelling's still pretty bad".

Abby was holding her hand.

She managed to speak up "Are you off?". She had completely lost track of time, had no idea how long she had slept, dozing on and off from the medication.

Abby nodded and tried to finger a lock of hair out of her face "Yeah".

The blonde murmured "You should go home, you look like hell".

"You've looked better yourself,  _smartass_ " Abby chuckled and Susan winced again as her muscles tried to form a smile.

The brunette came closer and pursed her lips to Susan's hair, the only place she figured that wouldn't aggravate her fractures. She whispered against her locks "You scared the hell out of me...".

Susan felt her chest hurting, she knew it was from the blunt trauma - that damn airbag - but the emotion wasn't helping either. She entangled her hand in Abby's hair and spoke gently "Can you stay for a while?".

She wasn't making any sense, she had just told Abby to go home and now she was asking her to stay.

It was the meds, she mused.

The brunette pulled back and smiled "Sure".

* * *

Weaver looked at the petite woman curled up in the chair. She slept soundly and was wearing scrubs. Kerry suspected she hadn't left the hospital since Susan was admitted.

When she glanced over the bed, she noticed Susan's eyes watching Abby. She was heavily medicated but there was something in that look that Kerry recognized immediately.

Susan looked at Abby with unmistakable adoration.

Kerry was always the last person to know  _anything_  but she guessed even she would've heard something about some kind of relationship between Abby and Susan.

Randi or Yosh surely would have  _hinted_  at it.

The blonde did a double take when she noticed her in the room and Kerry came closer "Susan. How are you feeling?".

She rolled her eyes and kept them closed for a second. These drugs were  _fantastic_. She wasn't feeling like she was  _dying_  anymore. She smiled groggily "Like a million bucks. I'm  _sooo_  high".

Kerry chuckled and nodded "We had to up your Vicodin, glad you're feeling better".

Susan's eyes were on Abby again "I told her to go home..." and Weaver interjected "Me too. But she hasn't left the hospital in two days. She was so worried about you".

Susan's brain was dizzy and she slurred softly "Look at her... so  _pretty_...".

Kerry stood up before she said something that would require her making a tough call.

The  _female_  ER chief  _she_  had personally chosen involved with a  _female_  med student would be a field day for her detractors in the hospital board.

She limped towards Abby and stroked her shoulder gently "Abby... wake up...".

The nurse jerked and was disorientated for a second. When her eyes got used to the light, she saw Kerry Weaver hovering over her "Abby...".

Susan sighed from the bed " _So, so pretty._..".

Abby's eyes shot up right away and Kerry held her gaze "She's hallucinating. I think it's better if you go home now...".

Abby shook her head "I don't want to leave her alone".

The redhead cocked her head and spoke gently "She's stable, you  _know_  that. You  _really_  have to go before it becomes difficult to explain why you're sleeping here...".

The two women watched each other, so much being said without words.

Abby nodded in defeat "Okay".

* * *

Susan gasped in shock when she saw herself in the mirror "Oh, God!". Half her face was covered in a mix of purple and greenish bruises. She looked like a freak.

Abby smiled supportively "You're healing nicely. Most of the swelling has gone down".

When Abby was driving her home, Susan kept talking about needing a shower. She felt disgusting and knew a shower would help.

The brunette looked on and touched her arm "Do you need help, or?".

Susan shook her head and she nodded "Make sure you keep your bandage dry...".

Susan tried to smile but it hurt like hell "Yeah".

Abby closed the door behind her and she undressed herself and looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her chest and right side were covered in dark hematomas and Susan let the tears flow freely.

It had been just a typical traffic pileup. She saw a car approaching quickly but she was stopped at a red light. He plowed into her and the airbag deployed, she lost consciousness for a few seconds but then forced herself to keep alert until she was sure she was at County.

When Susan got out of the shower feeling finally clean and fresh, Abby was at the stove. She accepted a bowl of soup and both sat at the kitchen island.

Abby looked worriedly "You should be in bed", but the blonde shook her head "I've been in bed for the last couple of days...".

"Don't push yourself too hard...".

They were quiet until Susan looked up from her bowl and said slyly "So... I checked my chart and there's this "AL" next to "tube thoracostomy"...".

Abby rolled her eyes and smirked "Well, it was either me or Morris".

Susan chuckled but the pain shot immediately in her cheek and rib cage "Shit...". She looked at the other woman with a hint of a smile "I don't think I'll ever say this again but... thank you for  _not_  listening to me".

Abby shook her head like it was nothing "You're welcome". She looked around and tapped her fingers on the table "Look, why don't you go lie down and I'll get you some groceries?".

Susan grimaced "You don't  _have_  to do this... Go home".

Abby was already by her side, helping her go down from the stool. Her arm curled around her waist and she said "I'm off tomorrow. So I'm gonna stick around".

As she supported herself on Abby, Susan was glowing under her bruises.

* * *

"Looks good", Abby smiled as she changed the dressing.

Susan nodded, not quite facing her, trying to ignore the touch of other the woman just under her breast. There was no reason to be self-conscious. Abby had seen her naked before but her body was still covered in bruises and Susan felt  _ugly_.

Abby sensed that and she stroked her hair "Try to get some rest, okay?".

For the past days, Abby had stayed in her spare room. She had overtime and she had to study for her board's exam so she took a few days off. Susan  _could_  look after herself – she had no complications from the accident apart from the bruising. Still, both had ignored that and Abby had stayed at Susan's.

Susan looked at Abby as she arranged her supplies back in the emergency kit. She heard herself say "You could sleep here...".

Abby couldn't mask the surprise from her face but she nodded and turned off the lights. It was a  _terrible_ , terrible idea but in the dark, she slipped silently under the covers and pressed the length of her body against Susan's good side.

She buried her face against her hair and couldn't help a smile creeping up when she felt Susan entwining their fingers together against her stomach.

Abby kept waking up all night, obviously - Susan's closeness made her senses too alert and her brain couldn't shut off.

She didn't  _want_  to be turned on but Susan's scent made it impossible. She shouldn't, she  _knew_  she shouldn't... but she stroked Susan's hip really gently.

The blonde whispered "You're awake?".

_Shit_.

She patted her waist "It's late... go back to sleep..." and she felt Susan shifting a little "I  _can't_...".

Abby sat up immediately, concern showing in her voice "Are you in pain?".

She felt fingers stroking her cheek, her chin, her lips.

Silence became deafening and even in the dark, Abby could see her shadow coming closer. She turned her head just slightly and kissed Susan lovingly, afraid to hurt her.

With hands entangled in her hair, Abby kept kissing her until their bodies were pressed so closely that surely it must've hurt Susan. She still had some nasty bruising.

Abby pulled back hesitantly "We really should stop now...".

She knew Susan was vulnerable and she didn't want her to do something she might regret later. The last days had been idyllic but she feared it would change as soon as Susan went back to work. And she couldn't handle them falling out again.

The blonde chuckled nervously "I got a little carried away... You've been so good to me... I'm sorry".

Susan was apologizing for kissing her - w _hat the hell was wrong with them?!_

Abby tucked the covers around Susan and kissed her hair "Just try to get some sleep".

 


	12. Chapter 12

In the following week, after her bruises finally started to fade, Susan was back at County. Abby had started another rotation - NICU or Psych, she wasn't sure - and they hadn't seen each other in a few days. After spending so much time together, it seemed like an eternity.

They never mentioned the kissing again and after that night, Abby went back to her place. It was  _safer_  that way. Susan didn't know what they would do but the connection they shared was undeniable.

She dragged herself to the Residency Committee meeting and everyone welcomed her back warmly. Weaver waited for everyone to be seated before starting the meeting. They had students from all over the country applying and they discussed each applicant for next term's ER residency program. It was hard to pick someone just by looking at resumes, they all looked the same.

When Kovac handed her Neela's file, Susan shrugged her shoulders "I can't believe she applied for us". Luka rolled his eyes "Come on, Susan. She's brilliant!". She tried to wrinkle her nose but it still hurt "She may be one of our brightest students but she's not an ER doc...".

Jing-Mei nodded "I agree. I think she'd be better suited to a more academic specialty".

Kerry intervened "Are we going to veto her because she's  _smart_?".

Susan sighed and rolled her eyes "Alright!".

Weaver picked up the last file and smirked "Abby".

Luka smiled "She's the best", Chen nodded "I can't imagine her elsewhere" and Susan tried to sound casual "Her nursing experience puts her in a whole different level".

The redhead smiled "Alright then. There's your new batch of interns!".

Everyone started to leave but Weaver cleared her throat "Susan? Do you have a moment?".

When they were alone again, she took off her glasses and exhaled "Okay. I need you to promise me that this won't backfire on me".

Susan shook her head "What do you mean?".

The redhead lowered her voice "I mean you and Abby". She could see Susan's brain working on some kind of excuse but she dropped it quickly "It's not what you think...".

"I went to see you after the accident and I saw the looks. How she took time off when you were on leave... People will pick up on it too. If Abby starts this residency program you  _do_  know that you can't...".

Susan interrupted her "I  _know_ , Kerry! I'll  _deal_  with this".

She looked pale and was actually  _shaking._

Kerry recognized herself in all that fear. She thought about Kim for the first time in a very long time, how she had opened up a whole new world for her.

Kerry liked Abby and she liked Susan too - even if they didn't always see eye to eye.

So she said the words she wished someone had told her, years ago "Talk to Abby and figure things out  _together_. There are options. This is just a  _job_ ", she smiled.

Then she cocked an eyebrow at the blonde and smirked "We never had this conversation".

Susan nodded dumbly and secretly suspected that Kerry Weaver had been abducted by aliens.

* * *

Inside the elevator, Abby looked at her reflection in the mirror.

She was a little nervous because they hadn't really talked about it but she  _knew_  it was a wise decision. Susan would agree with her.

When she reached her floor, Susan was waiting for her at the door, a crooked smile on her face "I wasn't expecting you...".

Abby smiled as she passed her by, gesturing at the paper bag in her hands "I brought sundaes", like it explained her visit.

Susan went to find bowls and chuckled "Ok... Are we celebrating something?".

Behind her, Abby nodded happily "I matched at County".

It wasn't a surprise to Susan, she had signed her admission papers in the ER residency program "You can't be  _that_  surprised". When she turned around to see her reaction, Abby basked in her personal space. She got closer, curled her arm around her waist and lowered her voice "I'm relieved...".

Susan was dizzy by how close they were and she let out a warning that sounded more like an invitation, especially when her eyes fell on the brunette's lips "Abby...".

She pressed her forefinger to Susan's lips, watched her for a second, as if to gather her own thoughts.

And then she smiled "So. I'm not a med student anymore...".

Susan started to protest and she  _so_  wanted to shut her up with her own lips. Abby just smiled "Susan. Just hear me out, ok?".

The blonde nodded and Abby watched her finger, still on her lips. She had spent more time than she would ever admit thinking about that mouth but she didn't let it wander away from what she wanted to say.

She touched her cheek and then let her hand rest at the nape of her neck "I applied for the ER residency program and I wanted to thank you for the kind words on my admission letter...".

Susan smiled coyly and Abby had to fight with herself to not plant one on her right there.

She continued "But I was also admitted in the OB/GYN program and... I'm taking it".

Susan's eyes grew wider and she gasped "What?".

She was adorable when she was clueless.

"Coburn wrote me a great recommendation letter... I used to work in OB, so...".

Susan's eyes were heavy with longing and she whispered with a tinge of tease in her voice "You're making me fish this late for another intern, huh?".

Abby shrugged her shoulders playfully "I guess I should be sorry... But you're not my boss anymore...".

Her words undid all of Susan's restraint. She took Abby's face in her hands and pulled her close, kissing her hard with lips, teeth and tongue. She was kissing Abby freely for the first time, she realized, and the conclusion left her breathless.

This wasn't just some torrid affair, she now knew. The fact that Abby had made such a significant career choice meant that she was willing to pursue a relationship with her.

Susan didn't have any more excuses.

As the icecream melted on the counter, she took Abby's hand and led her to the bedroom.

* * *

Lying in bed, they just couldn't stop smiling at each other. The blonde fingered her dark hair absentmindedly and Abby whispered "A penny for your thoughts".

Susan did this cute little grimace "It's... I feel kinda bad that you changed your residency... I know how much you love working in the ER...".

Mapping the curve of her back with the pad of her fingers, Abby smiled contently "Well, I love  _you_  more".

Susan's heart rate creeped up as the words seemed to engulf all the oxygen in the bedroom.

Both women kept quiet until the brunette sighed, pursed her lips and spoke up again "Look, I've said it. It's out there and I'm not gonna take it back!".

The blonde rolled onto her side and when she was floating over her, she stroked her cheek "Abby, shut up", and with that, she pressed a delicate kiss to her lips. When they pulled back, Abby watched her with curious eyes.

"I've been in love with you for such a long time...".

Abby interrupted her "It's ok, Susan. You don't have to...".

Susan kissed her again, her fingers raking through her hair, grazing her scalp with her nails. She leaned her head just a hairbreadth and whispered "I can't remember a day in the past year that I didn't want to be like this with you... ". She looked down, satisfied with how their bodies fitted in so perfectly together. The smaller woman kissed her neck and Susan thought out loud "I still think we should keep it quiet at work".

Abby chuckled softly against her skin "Don't worry. I'm not gonna pull a Sandy and kiss you in the middle of Admit".

Then she peppered her jawline with kisses "And we can always use the linens' closet if it gets to that point...".

Susan looked at her with a raised brow, trying to figure out if she was serious or not. She smiled slyly "I've never tried the linen's closet... Who was it, Kovac or Carter?".

The brunette looked mysterious "Who you think?".

Susan smirked "My money's on Luka. I found him sneaking out of radiology and exam rooms too many times...".

Abby traced her lips with her fingers "I found  _you_  sneaking out of the bathroom stalls with Chuck...".

The blonde chuckled "We're not talking about  _me_  here... Come on, tell me!".

Abby rolled her eyes at her "I've never had sex at the hospital. Well, Luka and I almost did it once, but we were paged before things got more...  _intense_. And you know Carter  _would_  never do it".

"He would if you'd really wanted...".

The brunette flipped them over and replaced her fingers on her face with her lips "You know what I really want?", she smiled conspiratorially "I want you to stop talking about Luka  _and_  Carter  _and_  Chuck...". Abby closed the distance between them and indulged herself again, her tongue sweeping into Susan's mouth.

There was something powerfully erotic about making out naked in bed like this. Susan could feel her arousal flaring as the other woman's hands stroked her hips in lazy patterns. She knew she had to fight against it because they needed to talk.

Susan needed to be sure she wasn't  _delusional_.

She kissed Abby's shoulder to regain her attention and tried gently "As much as I'd love to stay like this indefinitely... this isn't  _real_...".

Abby flickered out her tongue to her neck and grabbed her buttock "Oh, you feel  _very_  real to me...".

Susan loved the flirtiness but she wanted - no, she needed - to say what was on her mind. "Abby. I don't usually over-analyze everything... but I don't usually feel so helpless either... Are we starting  _something_  new here?".

She chewed on her lower lip - Abby knew Susan always did that when she was nervous or anxious and she realized the mood had somewhat changed between them. She pulled the sheet up as she sat on the bed, so they could be at eye level.

"Look, I'm really crap at  _this_.  _Communicating_. I kept my distance from you because you asked me to... but I was miserable all the while. And it's okay because I'm used to it. But y _ou_  were miserable too and you're the polar opposite of miserable".

Susan interrupted her "I'm  _familiar_  with being miserable too, I just hide it very well".

Abby smoothed the sheets around her with her hands "When I'm with you I don't feel miserable at all. Everything is so easy and in the  _right_ place. And that's how I know this isn't some kind of premature midlife crisis...".

The blonde nodded and tried to find her voice. She cleared her throat "Uh, I want us so badly... I'm terrified I'll mess this up...".

"I don't want you to think that I want to hide myself or hide us... I honestly don't care what everyone else thinks. But outside this room everything is so fucked up and imperfect... I don't want anything to spoil  _this_...".

Abby was anxious too and Susan sensed that. She stroked her hand and made her look at her "We're  _pathetic_ ".

They chuckled nervously together and Susan said evenly "I'm tired of playing games and stupid dating rules... ' _Don't show too much interest to not scare them away_ '... Well, I  _am_  interested. I  _love_  you. You're on my mind all day. I  _dream_  about you!".

Susan realized what she'd just said aloud. She felt herself blushing.  _Oh, just great_.

"You're cute", Abby smiled gently but she knew it wasn't what Susan wanted to hear. She turned serious and whispered "We  _can_  do this. We're friends... We won't deliberately hurt each other. We  _have_  chemistry... It's not a bad starting point".

Abby stroked her arm and down her side.  _She's so soft_.

Saying they had chemistry was an understatement. It didn't take more than a few touches to get them in the right mood. But chemistry wasn't enough, Susan knew that. If they wanted this to work, they'd have to nourish their relationship.

Susan stood up and smiled "Let's go out". She looked around for her clothes and stopped when she realized Abby didn't move an inch.

She stretched languidly, allowing the white sheet to reveal bare breasts to her. She sighed "Why can't we stay in bed all day?".

It was a veiled invitation and Susan knew she was doing it deliberately to tease her. She sat on the bed again and stroked her foot "We _could_...".

Abby wriggled her eyebrows in a silly way "We  _should_ ".

This woman made her so happy.

Susan laughed out and patted her knee "Come on, I wanna take you out".

* * *

They ended up in a cozy coffee shop just a few blocks down from Susan's.

Over lattes and a slice of blueberry pie, Susan quipped "Why OB?".

Abby sipped at her beverage "I loved working in OB. My marriage was a wreck by then and I was drunk all the time. Going everyday to work and being surrounded by so much happiness was what got me through...". She paused for a second and then continued "Seeing all these couples in love, in awe of their babies... It gave me hope, Î guess. I got married right after we graduated so we were basically two kids trying to figure out the adult life with no decent role models...".

"Why did you get married so young?".

"Yeah, I ask that myself a  _lot._  Well, he was my boyfriend, I loved him and he proposed. What else could I say?", she shrugged her shoulders and then continued "Richard was a really popular guy... I couldn't really understand what he saw in me...".

"A pretty young thing with a great personality?", Susan smirked slyly.

The brunette took her last bite of pie "I don't know why I'm talking about the creep. Anyway, when a baby or a mom dies in OB it's _heartbreaking_ , but most days are filled with so much happiness and good energies. I guess I missed that...".

Susan smiled gently "I'm gonna miss you in the ER" and with that, she covered Abby's hand with her own.

"It'll be good to miss each other...", Abby whispered, her eyes watching too closely a certain pair of lips.

The very camp waiter asked them whether they were enjoying their pie.

For a split second, Abby almost jerked her hand away. But like an anchor, Susan kept her hand firmly around hers as she commented on how divine it was and tried to have him disclose his secret recipe.

When he went back to his business and Abby saw all that love exuding from Susan's eyes, she knew they  _could_  make this work.

 


	13. Chapter 13

Someone knocked at the door of the cubicle that passed as her office, but Susan didn't even bother to look up from the stack of files on her desk "Come in".

Abby managed to open the door with her elbow while she juggled two coffees on her own stack of paper "I heard you  _weren't_  in, but I saw your car parked outside".

Susan wasn't on shift but she was so behind in her admin duties that she'd decided to use her day off to catch up on her paperwork. She had instructed Frank to bother the attendings and apparently, for  _once_ , he'd listened to her.

Susan leaned back on her chair and smiled warmly "To what do I owe the pleasure?".

The brunette gestured at the coffee "I thought you might prefer decent coffee over that nasty stale water from the lounge".

Susan tilted her head and gave her an amused look "Oh, you're an OB intern for five minutes and it's already  _your_  crappy coffee... I'm hurt!".

Abby chuckled and came round her desk "You know I'm an ER girl at heart…".

Susan wrapped her arms around her waist and pulled her to her lap "Come here…". Abby curled her arms around her neck and kissed her gently "Hi...". She whispered against her lips "Did you lock the door?" and Abby cocked a brow at her "No. But you're  _not_  here, remember?".

The blonde smiled and kissed her again "Yeah, but someone could still come in…". She nuzzled Abby's neck, inhaling the enticing scent of her perfume on her skin. They'd had opposed shifts in the last week, so they hadn't seen each other that much. "Are you on break?".

Abby nodded and begrudgingly broke the contact between them. She returned to her chair "Sort of. Just wanted to bring you these. Nurses and aids' schedule for next month and full performance reviews. You might want to hire another RN or two".

She handed the files to Susan who just sighed "Wanna see my budget?... So, I take it you're not taking any more nursing shifts?".

"God knows I could use the money... I can moonlight once in a while but you know how demanding internships are...".

The other woman laughed "That's one thing I  _don't_  miss - resident hours!". Susan tapped her fingers on the files "I asked Haleh if she wanted to be nurse manager but she just blew me off".

Abby rolled her eyes "I  _can_  imagine. Try Chuny or maybe Yosh?".

Susan made a note to remember asking them and she lowered her voice "I was gonna ask you to have dinner with me tonight, but you look exhausted".

Abby  _was_  tired. She'd be off at five and nothing tempted her more than a hot date with her bed. But she missed Susan too. "Come by later, we can order in".

She checked her watch and stood up from the chair "I gotta go, we have a c-section in thirty minutes". She blew her a kiss before reaching the door handle.

Feeling all fluttery inside, Susan just smiled into space.

* * *

It was simply how things were and there was no point in arguing: junior doctors always got the worst hours or as Abby had put it "the shitty shifts nobody wants". That meant that when Susan was working, Abby was sleeping and so on. They would see each other on their day offs but it wasn't enough anymore. They started wanting all the odd hours in between when their shifts didn't collide.

And for that simple reason, they'd exchanged keys.

Abby put her coat away on the coat hanger and dropped her purse on the coffee table by the couch. It was late, or  _early,_ depending on how one looked at it, and she tried to be as quiet as possible as she padded towards Susan's room. She was asleep and Abby went to the adjoined bathroom to take a shower - she would never get used to the smell of antiseptic on her skin.

When she finished toweling herself dry, she went back to the bedroom, noticed the first sun rays peeking out and how peaceful Susan looked with the fluffy comforter snuggled around her. She would have to get up in a couple of hours and they wouldn't get to be together for another two days when they would  _finally_  have a shared day off.

Abby had spent most of the night in the OR with a really difficult delivery and she was drained. She slipped under the covers and spooned behind Susan, her lips peppering the back of her neck with gentle kisses. Susan stirred and mumbled sleepily "Oh, it's you..." and Abby sank her teeth playfully on her shoulder "Were you expecting someone else?".

Susan chuckled and tried to stretch her limbs, all entangled in Abby's arms - she loved having her so close. Her top rolled up and Abby's hands mapped the soft skin of her stomach. She whispered contently "Mmm... love waking up like this...".

The way she almost  _purred_  the words stirred something inside Abby and desire overcame her exhaustion. She didn't respond, her lips teasing all the sensitive spots on her neck and her hands pushing down Susan's panties past her hips. She moaned in her ear "I want you...".

There was no way she would get back to sleep at this point, so Susan tilted her face just slightly and accepted her kiss "You have me...".

Susan gasped when Abby's fingers easily found her arousal. Abby whispered, in awe at the concrete evidence of their passion "You're so wet already...". She loved how willing Susan was, it made her feel wanted and  _powerful_. She thought about going down on Susan and really taking her time with her but she so was exhausted from work. And she knew that touching her like that would get her off in just a few minutes.

On cue, Susan pleaded "Fingers, please?". She loved that Susan was so uninhibited in bed and wasn't afraid to say what she wanted. She rolled Susan on her back so that she could have decent access and entered her a little roughly with more fingers than she expected.

" _Yesss_...".

Abby looked down as Susan moaned and ground her hips against her hand, it was a view she wouldn't forget so soon. She wrapped her lips against a pebbled nipple and let her teeth scrape on the sensitive skin. She alternated those moves with her thrusts, using her hip to dig her fingers deeper. She used her free hand to stroke and stimulate the breasts in front of her, their firm weight always a luxuriating experience.

Now that she spent her days performing breast exams, Abby could be unbiased - Susan  _did_  have a really nice rack. She chuckled at her own crass conclusion and Susan noticed her amused disposition "What is it?". "Nothing, I just love all...  _this_...", she squeezed her breast, rolled her nipple between her fingers and Susan moaned once more. She was close and her vision was blurring so she couldn't really think of a witty comeback. She just let herself fall in a cliff of wanton desire and convulsed under Abby's touch.

Abby rolled to the side, dropped her head on her pillow and smiled smugly "That was almost  _too_  easy...".

Susan smiled lazily and draped an arm around Abby's middle as she tried to catch her breath "How was work?".

"Breech baby and the mom had eclampsia".

"Oh, those are never fun".

"Both pulled through so it was a good day", Abby whispered sleepily.

She felt Susan's hair sweeping down her side and moaned when she felt Susan's mouth on her. She took her time nuzzling at her rib cage while her hands stroked her breasts and played with her nipples "That feels great...", she smiled and Susan just hummed something against her skin. Her fatigue and the headiness from Susan's stimulation made her feel like she was floating. She ran her hands through Susan's luscious thick hair and let her pleasure her.

The blonde stopped for a second to throw back the comforter "It's getting hot in here...". Abby's heated skin resented the action and responded with a stir of goose flesh that made Susan smile ominously. She kneeled next to her and took her right foot in her hand, kissed her heel, let her tongue trace the inside of her ankle, the curve of her calf.

From her pillow, Abby was fully alert again and she asked "You're not letting me fall asleep, are you?".

Susan's eyes were mischievous and she shook her head slowly, her lips and tongue trailing their way from her knee to her thigh. Abby shook in excitement and moaned when Susan's head disappeared between her legs, pleasure building up dangerously in her loins.

She couldn't really complain because most of the men she had been with didn't hesitate to go down on her, but it always felt like a starter, a warm-up to the main plate. With Susan, she never felt it was rushed and they could spend hours in bed like this, with Susan building up her arousal until she couldn't handle the feeling of her mouth on her anymore. It was delicious and she wished she'd never stop.

It occurred to her that she  _had_  a voice and she whispered out loud "Don't stop, you make me feel so good...".

Susan liked when she was responsive like this and she rewarded her with a squeeze on her breast. Abby was close, Susan could feel it. She noticed how her hips pushed against her mouth, how hot her skin was. She added two fingers and pressed them against her pelvic muscles, thrusting in counterpoint with her mouth sucking on her clitoris.

Abby gritted her teeth as the orgasm swept violently through her.

* * *

Susan smiled appreciatively "Good job with the board, Jing-Mei". The smaller woman nodded "Turns out the newbies aren't that bad".

"I plan to turn this ER into a Trauma 1 Excellence Center", Susan smiled decidedly and Chen watched her closely "You're awfully chirpy today...".

Susan rambled on as she co-signed Chen's charts "We have great potential - the urban setting, a great teaching program, good physicians...".

"You got laid last night, didn't you?", Jing-Mei deadpanned and Susan shook her head at her, her cheeks flushing a little " _What_?".

"You have this...  _glow_  about you! You're back with Chuck?", she gauged.

Susan almost gagged at the thought " _No_! I'm just full of...  _ideas_  and excited about them...", she tried her best to sound casual.

The other doctor didn't buy any of it "Sure, Susan... See you later".

Susan shook her head as she watched Chen's retreating back and picked up a new chart. Chuny appeared from nowhere and cornered her by the board, smiling slyly "Is it that new ortho attending? He was all over you the other day in trauma 2...".

She just couldn't  _believe_  this place.

"Chuny, don't even  _start_. I'm gonna need you to be my wingman here...".

The nurse looked oblivious and Susan nodded enthusiastically "Congratulations, you're the new nurse manager!" and with that, she made her way down the hall.

Chuny scurried after her "What?! No, no, no... I didn't  _apply_  for any of that!".

Susan smirked "Oh,  _yes_. You're the only senior nurse that never had management duties".

"You can't  _make_  me!", the latina huffed and Susan stopped on her tracks "Look, I know I  _can't_  force you! But I trust you and need you to take one for the team. Please?".

She batted her eyelashes and Chuny rolled her eyes "I have a feeling I'm gonna regret this...".

Susan smiled before entering the suture room "You'll be great!".

The nurse looked on from the hall, hand on her hip "Hey, I wanna know everything about your new man later...".

* * *

She did a double take when she saw Eric waving at her in chairs. She excused herself and crossed the hallway in what felt like a single stride. He stood up and Abby couldn't hide her surprise "Eric?".

"Hey sis...", he smiled goofily and Abby threw her arms around him "What are you doing here? Are you okay?". She pulled back to look at him properly.

He looked fine and he nodded "I'm great. I'm here on a work thing so I stopped by, hoping to buy you lunch. I have a lot of apologizing to do...".

Abby shook her head, a little breathless from having him right there after almost a year of silence "Don't. I'm glad you're doing better. There's this patient I have to check on, just give me ten minutes...".

* * *

They sat at Ike's and Abby clasped his hand "I can't believe you're here". He smiled gently "I missed you too... I'm sorry about all that crap I put you through... I've been meaning to call you but...".

She smiled at him "Oh, stop it. I'm so happy you're here! How long are you staying?".

Eric sipped at his glass "A while, I guess... You know I got kicked out of the Air Force, right? So, as a consolation prize, they got me this job at O'Hare...".

Abby jerked in her chair, elated "You're moving  _here_?! Maggie didn't say anything! I talked to her a few days ago!".

"I wanted to tell you in person... She's having a bit of a hard time dealing with it, but I really need to move on with my life...". He smiled at her and nodded at the name tag "Congratulations on your MD, by the way... Dr Lockhart... has a certain ring to it", he smirked.

She rolled her eyes playfully, Eric had always been against her decision to keep her married name.

He was teasing her like he  _always_  did. Her baby brother was  _back_.

"How's John? I want to apologize to him too... for that mess at the funeral", he said sheepishly.

"Uh, somewhere in Africa... it didn't work out...", she shrugged timidly.

"Oh, shit. Was it because of me?".

She shook her head "No, it wasn't because of you. It sure didn't help but there were a lot of issues... on both parts".

He stroked her hand "I'm sorry about that. So, are you seeing someone now?".

She contemplated a white lie but he was her brother and she didn't want to lie to him. She smiled "Actually, I am".

He waited for her to elaborate but she wasn't going to have this conversation with him on her lunch break at Ike's. Abby added gently "It's still early days...".

"Well, you look great. I want to meet him sometime", he winked.

Abby stroked his cheek and whispered lovingly "I missed you so much...".

* * *

The elevator reached ground floor and Abby stopped as the chaos immediately engulfed her - it was weird to not be part of that mess anymore. Frank smiled genuinely at her "Look who's back!".

Abby smiled at him "Someone needs a consult?".

"Trauma 1".

She ran down the hallway and saw Susan hovering over a newborn baby, watching this new guy aspiring his nose.

"Dr. Lockhart, how  _nice_  of you to show up. We just kind of winged it", Susan smirked.

Abby could hear the playfulness in her tone and she replied evenly "We  _have_  patients upstairs too. What's the Apgar?".

Eyeliner guy gave her the baby and mom status and he extended his hand "Ray Barnett. Are you new here?".

She shook his hand and chuckled "Hardly. Abby Lockhart".

"Nice to meet you, Abby", he gave her his best boyish grin and Susan looked on from the other side of the room. The mom was stable and she smiled gently "We're going to move you upstairs now...".

"Dr. Barnett, can you take Mrs Aguila upstairs?". Abby couldn't help noticing the glare Susan threw at him as he came to push the patient's gurney. Abby was finishing her check up on the baby and she smiled at the mother "We'll bring him right up...".

When he was out of earshot, Abby deadpanned "Is that guy  _really_  wearing eyeliner?". Susan rolled her eyes "Apparently, he's a rock star on his own time". They walked out of the trauma room together and Abby gestured at Susan to follow her to a quieter corner "We were supposed to have dinner tonight...".

"But?".

She knew Susan had made reservations for them at a new restaurant she wanted to try out. "My brother showed up earlier", she started meekly.

"Really?! How is he?".

"He's great, actually. He got a job at O'Hare!", Abby couldn't hide her enthusiasm.

Susan smiled sincerely "That's great, Abby. Just... go and be with your brother. It's okay".

Abby knew she would understand, she loved how unselfish Susan was. "I really wanted to go out tonight...", she whispered.

Her green eyes watched her with unmistakable affection "We can go another time. I have tons of paperwork to do anyway...".

"I'll make it up to you, I promise", she spoke softly.

Susan pretended to be writing down on her chart but she looked up into warm hazel eyes "I'm sure you will...".

 


	14. Chapter 14

When Eric told her he'd finally found a place, Abby actually chuckled "Thank God…". He looked around and smiled apologetically "Yeah, sorry about the mess… ".

As she put on her coat, Abby added "Do you think would could tidy up a little? I invited a friend from the hospital to come over for dinner. I'd like you to meet her".

Eric nodded "Sure, don't worry about it. I can pick up the food later".

He had been staying with her for the past two weeks and they had bonded again. He had teased her about the mysterious  _guy_  she was dating after she stayed over at Susan's a couple of times. Sure, Abby could have told him that there was absolutely  _no_  guy in the picture but she didn't even know how to start that conversation. Abby wanted him to meet Susan first and she hoped she'd summon up the courage to tell him someday.

She blinked when she realized Eric was right in front of her, watching her closely.

"Abby? Are you okay?".

"I'm great!".

Her brother looked at her with a curious expression and asked again "Does she like Thai food?".

Thai food remembered her of that time she went to Susan's, back when Susan herself was dating Carter. She now realized that she'd been tense that whole evening not just because of Carter, but because she noticed how Susan looked at her. In insight, Abby knew it wasn't just the beers, it was already the uncanny chemistry they had.

She  _really_  needed to come up with a lighter version of how they got together because she knew he  _would_  ask.

* * *

Susan felt great after her yoga class, it always left her relaxed and in a good mood. She went home to shower and change and was a little anxious about meeting Abby's brother. Eric was the most important person in Abby's life and she hoped they'd get along.

Abby loved the idea of having her brother in Chicago and Susan was happy for her. She'd love if Chloe and Suzie moved back home too, even if she knew she would be inevitably pulled back into her sister's drama.

When she got to Abby's, Eric opened the door for her and smiled "Hi, I'm Eric. You're Susan, right?".

She nodded and smiled, felt a little awkward when she realized he was alone. "Abby's on her way, she got stuck at the hospital", he shrugged.

Susan smiled nonchalantly "Yeah, it happens".

He stood in the middle of the living room feeling a little clumsy. "Sorry about my manners. Can I get you a drink?".

"Sure".

He went to the kitchen and turned around, grimaced a little "Soda or diet coke? My sister doesn't drink and neither do I…".

"Coke is fine".

She remembered seeing him once at County in the middle of a manic cycle, hurling at Abby. He looked pretty calm now so she guessed he was doing ok with his meds. She saw that he had already set the table and she leaned against the counter making small talk "Abby tells me you're moving to Chicago".

"Yeah, sort of a career change", he smiled while he poured their drinks "You work with Abby?".

"Different department", she nodded and they both became silent again.

"I'm glad she's working in OB now. Less wackos to handle", he said casually and Susan retorted "Well, I guess someone has to take care of the wackos too".

He cringed "I should've guessed. You work in the ER?".

Susan faked a glare and then waved at him dismissively "Most days I can't understand how I'm still working there either".

Eric turned serious "No, you're right. You guys put up with a lot of shit and people don't even realize how important your work is".

Susan smiled sympathetically "It's a little like being an air traffic controller" and he looked at the bottom of his glass "Yeah, well. Those days are over. They're sending me to this fancy office at O'Hare".

"Well, good luck with your new job. Change is good", she gestured and they clunk their glasses together.

She seemed to be deep in thought for a moment and confided "I hate airplanes".

Eric raised an eyebrow at her " _Please_. It's mankind's greatest creation!".

She shook her head and narrowed her eyes at him "I think I'll stick with penicillin".

Eric laughed out and smiled "Well, we can agree to disagree on that".

They talked about mundane topics, the conversation finally flowing freely. Both watched the door when they heard keys dangling and Abby appeared at the door "Hi. I see you've already met...".

Perched on a tall stool, Susan smiled slyly "Your brother was about to tell me all your embarrassing childhood stories".

Eric shook his head playfully "You know I wouldn't do that!" and Abby chuckled "You better not, we'd be here all night".

Abby went to the sink and Eric turned the TV on the ball game. He asked curiously "Susan, Cubs or Sox?".

Susan smiled proudly "Cubs,  _obviously_!" and Eric shook his head in mock sympathy before returning his attention to the screen "Poor thing".

Abby watched the exchange with a warm smile - she didn't really expect they wouldn't get along, but still. She looked at Susan and lowered her voice "Sorry about that... There was this lecture I had to attend and it kind of dragged on all afternoon".

"It's okay, I liked talking to him", Susan said softly.

While setting their food on the plates, Abby could feel Susan's eyes on her. She looked up to confirm and whispered affectionately "Stop looking at me like  _that_...".

The blonde shook her head in jest, a tinge of tease in her green eyes "No can do...".

She accepted the plates from Abby and mouthed a silent " _I love you_ " before turning her back to her, setting the food on the table.

With her brother right there and Susan saying these things to her, Abby remembered how being truly happy felt like.

* * *

As he helped her with the washing up, Eric ventured "I liked her". Abby nodded gently "I'm glad you did. She's... great".

"I should ask her out sometime", he winked at her and Abby frowned " _What_?".

"It's not a secret gentlemen prefer blondes...", he mimicked a deep crooner voice and wriggled his eyebrows slyly at her.

Abby did this face and Eric chuckled "What? Come on, I'm a single guy! She's pretty, she's laid back, why not?".

He laughed at his sister's frown, she'd always been overprotective and rarely liked any of his girlfriends. He curled his arm around her shoulders "Don't be jealous... You know you're my number one lady...".

She smiled but he saw the smile didn't match her eyes. She seemed nervous or something. Eric cocked his head at his sister and said gently "I didn't mean to upset you... I just... I assumed you were trying to set me up with your friend?".

Abby actually laughed out loud at that one.

She looked up into his eyes "She's seeing someone...".

"Okay, that's cool", he nodded and went back to his chores.

She pursed her lips and watched him moving around her kitchen. He loved her unconditionally, she  _knew_  that. She  _could_  hide this from him for a while. But she didn't  _want_  to.

She had no idea if she was looking for validation or support from him. The evening had been a success, they had liked each other. She suspected all she wanted was to brag about how ecstatic Susan made her feel. How terrifying it was to love someone so unguardedly.

Abby cleared her throat and spoke up "I... I'm in love with Susan".

Eric turned around and looked at her blankly, like he didn't understand what she'd just said.

She looked at her feet, a mix of embarrassment and the relief of sharing a big secret "She's going out with me. So I would be kind of pissed off if you tried to pick her up".

He started laughing and at first she was offended but then he didn't stop and a nervous fit of laughter took her over "Stop laughing at me, you moron!".

"Oh, my God! This is...  _hilarious_!". Eric leaned against the counter and kept on laughing. "Does Maggie know?", he managed to speak up.

"You're the only person I've told", she said hoarsely.

Eric turned serious and came closer. He wrapped his arms around her "Hey, come here. Sorry I was laughing. It's just... so unexpected".

She nodded against his chest and confessed "I hadn't planned to tell you tonight, not like this... I just wanted you to meet her. I was hoping you'd like her because… I  _really_  like her...".

He thought about cracking a joke because his sister was  _never_  this sappy. Eric could see she was vulnerable and he knew his distance had hurt her deeply in the last year. He kissed the crown of her head "Well, she makes you happy, right?".

"Yeah, it's scary... I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop...", she almost whispered.

"You spent your life worrying about me, about Maggie. About that scumbag ex-husband of yours. If she makes you happy, just go for it! But I'm still a little in shock about this whole coming out at forty thing...", he said with a cheeky grin.

Abby broke the hug abruptly "Fuck you, I'm 36!".

_This_  was his sister.

* * *

They spent the rest of the evening eating junk food and laughing at silly b movies. Abby knew she should be sleeping but she couldn't shut off her brain.

"So, you've dated women before?".

"Not really...".

"What's that supposed to mean?", he wrinkled his face at her as he chewed on a mouthful of sour gummy bears.

She was mildly disgusted at his eating habits but she took a sip at her soda "It means... exactly  _that_ ".  _Enough confessions for today_.

"You never had a  _girlfriend_  but you've fucked women before", he stated plainly.

Abby hated how perceptive he could be.

" _Yes_ ".

Growing up, Eric always thought his sister was the coolest chick  _ever_. But this was a whole different kind of cool. "I totally  _get_  it. Why would you sleep with some scruffy, hairy guy, when you could be shaking it up with a smooth, curvy, beautiful lady?".

Abby rolled her eyes at him "That's awfully condescending of you".

"What? You can compare now. And don't tell me the sex isn't any good. You have this permanent shit eating grin on our face".

"It has nothing to do with sex".

She contemplated leaving it there while she bobbed back the last crumbles of Cheetos. "The sex  _is_  amazing because she sees beyond all my bullshit. She sees what's behind the mask and, somehow, she doesn't freak out. She doesn't expect me to change, she just lets me  _be_... So when we're together it's like... this raw magnetic pull ".

"Damn".

She looked at her brother by the corner of her eye and he just shook his head at her "You got it  _bad_ ".

Abby nodded as she licked the cheese from her fingers.

"If I wasn't here hogging your place, you'd be getting it on right now...", he chuckled softly.

He was unbelievable but he was also  _probably_  right.

She smirked at him "Good thing you're moving out soon".

* * *

Susan was chastising Morris for all the typos on his residents' evaluations "It just doesn't look professional", she sighed and he scurried back to the lounge to double check.

Weaver was in the middle of one of her monthly shifts, pretending she wasn't listening. She peeked at Susan over the rim of her glasses "I suspect he doesn't  _know_  how to spell arthrocentesis".

"We were never like this, were we?", Susan whispered out loud and Kerry shook her head "Hell  _no_. They just keep getting worse each year...".

Susan erased a name from the board and through it, she noticed Abby rolling a patient to the elevators. She really liked her in those blue scrubs and she let her mind wander for a second until she realized Kerry was watching her with a knowing smirk "Could you be anymore _obvious_?".

"What?".

"Ogling your girlfriend's ass like that".

Susan looked around to make sure no one was eavesdropping and she looked at the redhead with an indignant face.

Over the years, they started getting along better. But there would always be a part of Susan that just  _hated_  whenever Kerry Weaver was right about something.

* * *

Abby let the water hit her right in the face. She'd woken up early so she would catch the 8 o'clock meeting, it was a while since she last went. She heard the shower door sliding back and Susan pressed herself along her back "Why are you up so early?", she said before nuzzling the side of her neck.

"AA. What about you?", she smiled when she realized she was being cornered and she knew where this would lead.

"Saving water...", Susan smiled against her ear while her hands lathered body wash all over her. Susan's hands stroked down her arms, her sides and trailed back up to cup her breasts.

Abby knew she was  _never_  going to make it to the damn meeting.

She turned and curled her arms around Susan's neck, needing to feel her mouth on hers. Susan moaned when their tongues touched and she pressed herself against the brunette, loving the feeling of them like this. She smiled at her and then entertained herself with trying to catch a nipple with her lips.

Abby let her hands travel down her back and settled on the curve of her behind. She chuckled "We're really not saving any water...".

Susan breathed in her ear "It's for a good cause", and with that, she cupped her between her legs. Abby was effectively sandwiched between the cold tiles and Susan's warm presence and she loved every second of it. She curled an arm around her shoulders and propped her foot on the edge of the tub, thinking that Susan would finish her off just like that. When she felt Abby was getting restless, Susan extricated herself from her and almost laughed at the disappointed pout on her face "I was  _so_  close...".

She just smiled and went down to her knees, her tongue first teasing and then ravishing her until all one could hear were Abby's escalating sighs over the running water.

* * *

She picked at her caesar's salad, a glimpse of a smile peeking on her lips as she recalled the colorful memories from their morning tryst. She'd ended up missing AA, but she would go to a meeting after work. Drinking hadn't even crossed her mind in the last weeks, but she knew she should keep going. She was doing good and was proud at how things had turned out - finishing med school, starting her residency, admitting to her own feelings and giving herself a shot at happiness.

Someone sat down in front of her and at first she didn't recognize him, but his eyes and his voice gave him away.

"Hi", Carter smiled gently under a mop of hair and a scruffy beard.

Abby leaned back against the plastic cafeteria chair.

"You're back", she said without a drop of emotion in her voice, so many conflicting feelings raiding her mind.

 


	15. Chapter 15

 

Pratt looked at her with his typical cocky grin "I think you  _should_  consult with your attending. She needs to be admitted".

Abby smiled politely at the patient before leaving Trauma 1 and he followed her down the hall "We're out of beds, you'll have to monitor her down here for the time being…".

"Come on, Abby! You don't want that woman to deliver in curtain 1!", he insisted.

She chuckled "Oh, like it  _never_  happens… Move her to one of the exam rooms and I'll see what I can do".

He nodded and went back to his patient and Abby made her way to the stairs. She stopped by the suture room when she noticed Susan staring at the cabinets with a blank expression. Abby had meant to talk to her but she wasn't really comfortable.

She rapped on the door with her knuckles and the blonde turned around and smiled, gesturing at her to come in.

"We used to have pediatric IV kits right here…", Susan sighed, her eyes mapping the cabinets.

Abby looked around and retrieved a kit from a nearby drawer "There. Why are  _you_  looking for IV starting kits?".

"There's this kid… stage 4 lung cancer…", she answered, her voice small as she updated the chart.

"I hate those", Abby said evenly.

Susan was an experienced doctor, but there were still cases that left her feeling hopeless. A nine-year-old with only two months to live was just something she couldn't  _fathom_. She forced herself to smile "Are we still on for later?"

Abby looked at her hands "Uh, I've been meaning to talk to you. I bumped into Carter in the cafeteria the other day, we're having dinner".

Susan tried to remain neutral but she could feel her forehead wrinkling "Oh".

Susan knew he was back in town but she hadn't seen him yet. She had feared and had tried to prepare for this moment for months. She hated herself for being so anxious, she hated Carter for showing up  _now_  and she hated Abby for not telling her before.

"We were together yesterday, why didn't you say something?!", she spurted out, sounding harsher than she meant.

Abby frowned at her "I didn't know I had to come and seek your  _approval_!".

Susan shook her head slightly, grabbed the IV kit and turned on her heels "Have fun".

_Fuck_. Abby closed her eyes for a second and grabbed Susan's arm as she passed her by, before she could reach the door "I'm sorry...".

Susan stood with her back to her, fully aware that anyone could see them trough the window. Abby rested her forehead against her shoulder "I don't want us to fight over him... I just... I  _need_  to do this...".

* * *

Carter stood up politely when she got there and he motioned to pull out the chair for her but she didn't let him. They sat and looked at each other in silence for a while until he smiled "Thank you for coming".

She smiled and nodded at him "New look, huh?".

"You look great, though".

While Luka had once told her that she wasn't that special, Carter always made her feel pretty. She could feel his eyes on her but she realized it wasn't even flattering anymore. She managed a smile "Thanks".

The waiter came to pick up their orders and when they were alone again, he ventured "I heard you finished med school. I'm really happy for you, Abby".

"Yeah".

He was getting nothing but monosyllabic answers from her and it was getting awkward. He tilted his chin forward and looked her in the eyes "I'm sorry".

She let a smile dance on her lips "For bailing out on us? For leaving me? Or for calling three times in over ten months?".

He shifted uncomfortably in his chair "I  _needed_  to get away... and we were in this undefined limbo. It wasn't about you".

She shook her head at his words "Oh,  _come_   _on_. You didn't tell me you were going. If hadn't bumped into you - I wouldn't have even known!".

"I wanted to feel like I was  _really_  doing something".

"Did you even  _think_  about me?"

" _Yes_ ".

Carter knew she had the right to be upset but he also never felt like she  _wanted_  to know what was really going on with him. She had a tendency to make everything revolve around her and he had enabled her over the years.

Their food came and they smiled politely at the waiter. The tension between them was obvious and Abby was starting to regret coming. She couldn't really understand why she was dwelling on this, why she was letting herself getting so angry. She had been fine in the past months and things with Susan were so  _uncomplicated_.

She was letting herself slip into her past behavior and she didn't  _want_  to. She had voiced how he made her feel and she didn't need to keep on dissecting their relationship, it was over. She didn't need to keep on beating a dead horse, AA meetings had taught her that. "So, was it worth it?", she asked.

He looked at her blankly and she added "I mean Africa". She was letting it go fairly easily, he didn't expect that. Carter smiled "It was beautiful and brutal... I could really help and even when I couldn't, people would still be so grateful. In the middle of all the wrong going on over there, I could make it a little better for some of those people... I was lost when I landed in Kinshasa but now I'm found".

He took a sip of water as he remembered his days in Africa. Then he looked at Abby. In a way, she had been the antithesis of all the women he had dated before. She wasn't classically beautiful but there was something compelling about her that made her so damn attractive. If it was the gentle eyes, the bravado or that ever present pout, Carter couldn't possibly know. Her hair looked different, she looked  _different_ but he couldn't quite put his finger on it _._ When it dawned on him, he asked softly "You're seeing someone, aren't you?".

It was inevitable, Carter could always read her quite easily. He didn't think she was back with Luka, they had become quite close in Congo, they'd had dinner two days before and when Carter had teased him about Gillian, he just smirked and said that he was enjoying being alone.

Abby picked at her food with her fork, she wasn't really hungry. This was like getting a bikini wax, the faster she got this out of the way, the better. She nodded "I am".

"Anyone I know?".

Apart from Weaver, nobody knew about them at County. For now. They were discreet but she knew someone would eventually find out and she didn't want him to hear it from the grapevine.

"I was a bit of a mess last year. My brother went missing, your grandmother died and I couldn't give you the support I should've...".

Carter nodded almost imperceptibly, touched that she'd finally acknowledged how he had needed her at that point.

Abby continued "Then Eric was diagnosed bipolar and you left and I was feeling like I was being dragged into this dark hole of sorrow and self-pity. Throughout all this, Susan was always there, reaching out when I needed her, keeping her distance when I needed the space... And now… I can't imagine her  _not_  being by my side".

Carter would never forget the months he spent with Susan and Abby, it was the kind of thing he never thought would happen to  _him_. He felt so alive in those months that he could only compare it with the exhilarating feeling he felt the first times he shot up Fentanyl, back in the day. Having amazing sex with  _two_  women he loved and who loved him back - albeit in different ways -, he didn't think he could ever top  _that_.

But now Abby was telling him that she was in  _love_  with Susan? He knew they were over,  _he_  had sent her a letter clarifying that. And still, he could feel a sharp tinge of jealousy, all the familiar feelings coming back. Carter quipped almost bitterly "It didn't take you long to hop back into Susan's bed".

She frowned at him and hissed "Screw you, Carter". And she let out a whisper "It took us  _so_  damn long! You have no idea...".

He couldn't eat anymore so he pushed his plate aside "I know I screwed up but I've grown so much in the last months... We could try again, Abby". He stretched his hand over the table and clasped her hand "Let's give us another shot...".

Abby always loved his eyes. Whereas Luka's blue eyes added to his mysterious aura, Carter's brown eyes always felt friendly and familiar. She could always see  _through_  them. And now they were begging her to reconsider.

"I don't think so. Sorry".

He let go of her hand and tilted his chin just so they were at same eye-level "Is this your way of getting back at me?"

"No, not at all".

Abby almost told him that he was the last thing on her mind when she was with Susan but it would be just adding insult to injury. She didn't want to fight with him anymore, she had said what she'd wanted since he left and she wanted to get the hell out of there.

For months she'd fantasized how she would show Carter that she was over him, but she realized now that it didn't really matter anymore.

"I'm glad you're back, Carter. Thank you for dinner", she smiled before grabbing her purse and coat and leaving a disappointed Carter behind.

* * *

Susan sipped at her glass of wine staring at the blank sheet in front of her. She chastised herself for the scene at the hospital -  _what the hell, Lewis?_ Abby could have dinner with whoever she wanted, she  _wasn't_  her possession. But she couldn't hide that Carter's return left her apprehensive. Abby and Carter had history, were friends for some time before she came along. It was only natural that there would be some lingering feelings. Her brain told her that but her heart felt small at the thought of them having dinner together.

She mentally reprimanded herself and returned to her work. Resident reviews weren't exactly poetry but she had to focus at the task at hand.

Susan never realized before how loud her fridge hummed, how noisy her upstairs neighbor was. She grabbed her cell phone and sighed at the empty screen.

She  _understood_  that Abby wanted to have a moment with Carter, that with the way their relationship had ended. Carter probably wanted to apologize too and Susan tried not dwell on anymore.

Abby had been passionate and thoughtful in all the time they had been together and she felt guilty for being so concerned. She had no reason to believe that Abby would want to rekindle her relationship with Carter, so she needed to stop torturing herself.

Her cellphone blared and she was almost disappointed when she saw her sister's name on the display "Hi Chloe".

"Hey Susiecakes! Hold on a sec...".

Susan rolled her eyes and waited, plopped herself on the couch.

"Sorry about that, the cat was stuck behind the washer. So, how you doing?".

"Same old. How's Suzie?", she smiled.

"Probably overdosing on sugar. She's at a sleepover", Chloe chuckled and then asked plainly "How's Abby?".

"She's good...". Susan still felt a little bashful about it, but Chloe knew her like no one else. When Abby's name started popping in every phone call, she quickly figured out what was going on. Chloe was a free spirit and with her own history with men, she couldn't blame her little sister for trying out with a woman this time.

"I was wondering if you guys wanted to come over for Thanksgiving", she said nonchalantly as she flipped channels, trying to find the cooking show she liked.

"You mean me  _and_  Abby?", Susan almost gasped and her sister laughed "Yeah, you and Abby! You're not trying to unload her already, are you? You get tired of your men pretty quickly…".

Susan frowned at her words "We're  _fine_. Let me talk to her. I'll let you know...". She looked at the door and saw Abby coming in. Susan couldn't help the smile breaking across her face. She whispered to the phone "Can I call you back?".

"She's there with you, isn't she? Don't do anything I wouldn't do!", Chloe chuckled.

Susan ended the call and sat in a more graceful position "I wasn't expecting you...".

Abby came round the couch and produced a bouquet of flowers from behind her back "I missed you", she whispered shyly. Susan looked at the flowers, then at the woman in front of her "That's so sweet of you... I can't remember the last time someone got me flowers...".

Abby traced the outline of her cheekbone and smiled "I'm sorry I wasn't more forthright earlier... I guess I still need to work on that". The blonde shrugged her shoulders "I shouldn't have acted all psycho on you either... It's just... the thought of you two together... I got a little insecure, I guess".

"Well, you have no reason to be...", she stroked her cheek and smiled into her eyes "I  _needed_  to do this... to have some kind of closure".

Susan nodded and leaned forward, cradling her face in her hands and kissing her passionately, wanting to pour everything she felt into that kiss. The flower wrapping rustled between them and Susan threw them on the nearby coffee table, her hands curling around Abby's back, pulling her closer to her. She whispered against her lips "I am  _so_  in love in you...".

Abby kissed her back fervently, the words spurring the smoldering desire that creeped up whenever they were alone. She smiled with closed eyes, savoring the feeling of the blonde's lips on her neck, her own fingers getting lost in blonde hair, keeping her close to her, close to her heart.

 


	16. Chapter 16

Abby hadn't told her and Susan didn't ask what they had discussed. She had been anxious about them going out for dinner together but that night Abby showed up at her place with flowers in tow and in a very good mood. They'd made love a few times that night, before giving out to exhaustion and even if Susan couldn't point it out, Abby seemed different… like she wasn't holding back anymore or something.

As she watched Carter mapping his new contract with his eyes, Susan felt a mix of feelings – she was glad he was back safe and sound. He'd come a long way since his first days as a bumbling med student – Carter was now an accomplished physician and she needed him in the ER. But his presence also felt like a shadow over her relationship with Abby.

He signed the papers and handed them to her with a raised brow "I'm not feeling very appreciated…".

Susan looked at him blankly " _You_  asked for less hours!". He smirked and lowered his eyes and she realized he might be talking about something else. She pushed the papers aside and looked him in the eyes "Carter…".

His voice just above a whisper, he declared gently "It just can't understand…  _We_  were together and you pushed me to Abby!".

"You were in love with her…".

"And you  _weren't_?".

Susan shook her head firmly "No. Not at the time. A little  _intrigued_ , maybe, but definitely not in love".

Carter had a lot of questions and they were driving him crazy. He wanted to  _hate_  Susan, to hold that grudge for a while. But she was one of the greatest women he had ever met and he knew she would be upfront. While communicating with Abby had always been a nightmare, with her silences and vague answers, talking to Susan was always easy and forthright.

He cocked his head just slightly "When did that change?".

"For me? I started noticing my feelings after Mark died".

He shook his head hopelessly "We had sex, me and you, and I know you  _enjoyed_  it… You're not  _gay_!".

Susan sighed "Carter. I  _am_  sorry it didn't work out with you and Abby, I  _really_  am. I asked you not to leave like that. And I told her to call you because I thought that was what she wanted. But me and Abby has nothing to do with you and me or you and her. This could be it for  _me_. So I'm gonna give it a shot and I really wished you didn't try to make this about you because we fell for each other long after you were out of the picture…".

* * *

Abby wasn't sure how they found out about her birthday but she smiled at the staff impromptu rendition of "Happy Birthday" and chuckled when Nancy, the most senior nurse, came through the lounge's door with a homemade cake with candles for her to blow.

Everyone on shift came to greet her hurriedly, aware that Coburn was right there and wouldn't tolerate them leaving the patients unsupervised for more than a couple of minutes. When everyone went back to work and Abby was retrieving her coat from her locker, finally out, Coburn spoke up from the lounge desk, maneuvering a slice of cake into a napkin "Are you still going to meetings?".

"I went yesterday. I try to go every week", Abby nodded while closing her locker.

Coburn seemed satisfied with her answer and she cocked her chin "Still not regretting choosing OB over Emergency Medicine?".

She stopped in the middle of the lounge and shrugged her shoulders "I thought I would miss the chaos… but I don't. Here, we have time to actually talk to the patients and listen to them…".

The other woman nodded and Abby smiled "See you tomorrow". She immediately noticed Susan by the nurses' station looking dreamy in heels and a grey pencil skirt suit. The blonde was checking her email and Abby took advantage of the unpopulated hall to squeeze her side affectionately "You just missed my party".

Susan looked up from her phone and smiled " _Damn_. Are you ready to go? I just have to get my keys".

They made their way to the elevator and when they were inside, Abby looked at her appreciatively "Looking very dapper today…".

Susan rolled her eyes "I spent the day in and out of meetings… These heels are killing me…". Abby wanted to tell her how spectacular she looked in a pencil skirt and heels but alas, they weren't alone in the car. She kept throwing warm glances her way and followed Susan when they reached the floor level. Susan went to the lounge to get her purse and Abby almost turned around when she noticed Carter and Chen babbling away by the board.

She contemplated waiting for her outside but Chen waved her over "Hey stranger!". Abby smiled and came closer. Carter spoke softly "Happy birthday" and Chen's eyes went round "Today is your birthday? I had no idea! Are you doing something?".

Abby looked like a deer caught in the headlights "Huh, not really…" and it didn't help when Susan waltzed in behind her to take a peek at the board "Everything under control?".

Carter nodded "We were quite busy today but we cleared all the criticals". Susan signed a few forms he was handing her, fully aware of the awkwardness around her. She looked up at him and smiled "Good job, Carter. See you tomorrow, guys", and then turned to Abby and saw her cringing inside.

She lowered her voice "Let's go?".

Carter looked on as the two women walked outside - other people might not pick up on it immediately but their body language exuded intimacy. And the way they looked at each other...

He knew he had his own share of guilt in the demise of his relationship with Abby, he  _had_  ended things and sent her the damn letter, but now, seeing her so at ease with Susan was like rubbing salt into a fresh wound.

And he realized he wasn't over her.

* * *

Susan patted her thigh when they got to her place "Go change and pack an overnight bag".

Abby frowned at her curiously "Are we going somewhere?".

"It's your  _birthday_ ", she deadpanned, like it was an obvious answer.

"Where are we going?", Abby asked more eagerly than she wanted to show. She unfastened her seat-belt and watched as Susan just smirked "Surprise".

"I  _hate_  surprises".

Susan leaned over the car's console and kissed her square on the lips "Hurry up, we're going to be late".

She pulled back just slightly and Abby looked into her bright eyes, fully aware that they were illegally double parked.

It  _was_  her birthday anyway, so she indulged herself and kissed Susan again.

* * *

Susan took her to Spiaggia on Michigan Avenue and made sure they got the table with the best view.

It was one of those trendy places for gourmet food lovers and Abby would  _never_  go to a place like this. Susan, on the other hand, loved reading reviews on the Tribune for all the new hip places, but they were always so tired that most days they ended up ordering in.

"This looks almost  _too_  good to eat", Abby sighed happily at the beautiful food on the table and Susan closed her eyes as she luxuriated over a portion of froie gras and truffle mousse.

"I wish I could wash it down with a glass of wine…", Abby sighed dreamily. Then she turned quiet, a little ashamed of her words.

Susan looked at her gently "Well, can you have just one drink?".

She pursed her lips and shook her head slightly "There were times when I was drinking all the time and periods when I was sober for years… My compulsion is mostly triggered by emotional distress. I  _could_  have just one drink and be fine. But I can't know for  _sure_. I'm so much better now than I was a year ago, so it doesn't make any sense to put it in jeopardy".

She covered Susan's hand with her own and hoped she understood what she meant – she wouldn't risk  _them_.

"I'm glad you're planning on staying sober", she whispered honestly. Susan knew that not many relationships survived addiction and she was relieved to hear Abby verbalize those thoughts aloud because deep down, she was terrified that something would ruin what they had.

* * *

Susan whispered excitedly in her ear "Okay, you can look now".

Abby opened her eyes and found herself in an upscale hotel suite surrounded by tea lights, flower petals that smelled divinely and soft music playing in the background.

Her hand covered her agape mouth, she  _wasn't_  going to cry. She'd thought that they'd go home after a fine decadent dinner but Susan had other plans, it was now clear.

"I can't believe you planned all this for me…", Abby sounded almost shy and Susan came closer and let her fingers run through her hair "I can't promise you there will always be surprises… But I wanted us to have a special moment, just the two of us…".

"It is special… Come here…", Abby whispered and entangled her hand in blond locks, finally kissing her like she'd wanted to do for most of the past hours. Susan smiled against her kisses and let Abby navigate her towards the king-sized bed that awaited them covered in rose petals. It was awfully corny but she  _wanted_  to give these memories to Abby.

She untucked Susan's shirt from her skirt before pressing her lips to the column of her throat, loving the softness of her skin against her lips, inhaling then scent of her perfume on her skin. Abby unbuttonned her shirt and decided, right there and then, that front clasped bras were the best thing since sliced bread when black lace revealed bare breasts to her. Susan moaned low in her throat when she felt lips and teeth circling her nipples, one at a time "You should go first... it's your birthday...".

Abby looked up slyly from her chest and smirked "Just let me unwrap my presents, then..." and she proceeded to remove her shirt a little past her shoulders and freed her from the bra straps. Susan felt like putty in her hands: how could this woman that was so aloof and even, at times, off-putting at work be so incredibly sensual and enticing when it was just the two of them?

When she had her naked from the waist up, she reached for the zipper of her pencil skirt awkwardly "Roll over".

Susan complied and smiled against the white crisp bedsheets when she felt a warm tongue travelling down the curve of her spine. Abby stopped at the hem of her skirt to help her out of it and she grabbed the toned buttocks in front of her "Yoga's really paying off", she said, more to herself than anything else and Susan thought of a snide comeback but she was paralyzed by the feeling of Abby's tongue sweeping somewhere it didnt usually go. Susan cringed at the sounds she was making and at how turned on she was. She rolled onto her back, only to be pinned down again. Even though she had a much smaller frame, Abby could be incredibily strong.

Abby slipped a hand inside her panties and just smiled. She could feel all the layers - _mucosa, lamina propria, levator ani_  - and Abby even felt a little overwhemelmed that she could  _feel_  her, love her like this. Abby could do this with her eyes closed, she spent her days at the hospital performing pelvics on women and it was just business now, blindly touching skin and muscle - but this,  _this_  was almost  _holy: e_ very little inch her fingers touched made Susan groan and trash around in the bed.

Susan watched her with hooded eyes and rasped hoarsely "Please..." and Abby realized that her daydreaming was like torture to Susan, she was on the verge of abandon. Abby came closer and peppered her cheek with light kisses, all the while her hand resumed the soft exploration. She whispered into her ear "I'm sorry I'm being so technical...".

_She's such a weirdo, I love her_. The blonde laughed, causing her diaphgram to spasm violently, releasing a merciless orgasm.

The last thought Susan had, before falling into slumber, was how thankful she was that Abby had chosen OB over Emergency Medicine.

* * *

Neela dragged her to Ike's, one evening, after her shift. The younger woman looked at her closely and Abby looked up from the menu "What's going on, Neela?".

"I haven't seen you in a while, that's all", she answered almost too quickly and then she asked "So, how's it going?".

"Apart from the never ending hours and the stuck up residents who think they can boss me around just because I'm an intern?", Abby shrugged and took a sip at her soda "It helps that I've worked there before but I think I'm doing okay. What about you?".

Neela rolled her eyes "I get to be bossed around by the most  _clueless_  guy in the hospital?".

Abby had to chuckle at that. She knew all about Susan's despair at the lack of options for the chief resident position. She had to hand it begrudgingly to Morris when she couldn't convince Greg Pratt to take it.

"The paperwork keeps him away from the patients. Susan says she's performing a service to the community…", Abby chuckled heartily and noticed Neela's pitch black eyes boring holes in her own.

"People are saying you and Dr. Lewis are…  _together_ ", she blurted out nervously.

" _Oh_ ".

"I know it's ridiculous, but I thought you should know… that people are saying  _that_ ", Neela smiled at her meekly and Abby nodded silently.

"I see".

They hadn't advertised their relationship around the hospital, but they hadn't been that much secretive either. Abby always lingered in the ER a little longer than necessary whenever they paged OB and Susan would always take a detour to her floor before or after board meetings.

Abby reminded Neela of the cool girls at Villiers High School that, as a teenager, Neela could only  _dream_  of befriending. Abby was savvy, self-assured and no-nonsense. So  _unlike_  her. She never thought they would become friends at all and when she first heard the rumors, she took offence on Abby's behalf and dismissed them as just mean. She couldn't harvest lhe courage to tell Dr. Lewis, so she made sure she had a moment with Abby.

Watching her from the other side of the table, with a look that she recognized as fearful and unsure, Abby tried to smile back at her but it didn't match her eyes "We  _are_  together".

Neela was speechless "Huh... When did  _that_  happen?".

Abby pursed her lips a little and looked at her again "A while ago…".

"When we were med students?", she asked plainly and Abby remembered how much she'd hated her perceptiveness when they first met.

"Around that time, yes", she nodded and looked at the ice melting at the bottom of her glass. She could see her connecting all the dots in her head and she nodded at her next words.

"That's why you're doing the OB residency. So that you can be together…", she whispered and Abby smirked "It was one of the reasons".

Neela looked startled for a moment but then she leaned back on her chair and laughed "This is so  _crazy_ … Wasn't Dr Lewis married to that flight nurse or something?".

"They had it annulled. And you can call her Susan, you know?".

Neela shook her head slightly "She's my boss, doesn't feel right…". She watched the brunette with a mix of praise and shock "Is this some kind of Lewis exclusive thing? I mean, I know you've dated Carter and Kovac. And I saw you ogling that fireman from the 55 unit not so long ago…".

"I've been attracted to women before. If that's what you're asking?", when Neela nodded back at her, she continued "But I never thought I would act on it and actually pursue a relationship with a woman… ". Abby turned shy - it was still a little out of character for her to be dwelling on her private life. She checked her watch and Neela watched her smugly.

"You're meeting her aren't you?".

The brunette nodded and Neela quipped "Nice dinner and hot sex?".

Abby gave her a mysterious smile " _Hopefully_ …" and the younger woman shook her head in mock disgust "Oh,  _stop_  it! I don't need that image in my head!'.

* * *

Under the guise of an admin meeting, Susan asked Chuny to meet her in her office. When the nurse stopped texting and smiled back at her, Susan took a deep breath and asked plainly "How many people, exactly, know about me and Abby?".

The nurse looked like a trapped animal "Why are you asking  _me_  this? I didn't start the rumors!', she answered defensively.

"I'm not saying you did. I'm just asking you who knows". She was pleased with how cool and calm she sounded, but she could feel the sweat breaking on her temple.

" _Everyone_ , I guess?".

* * *

Before her shift started, Susan called an meeting in the lounge with all the doctors and nurses on shift.

"It came to my attention that my private life has been gathering some curiosity. So, I'm giving you the chance to ask  _me_  what you  _feel_  you need to know".

Nurses looked at each other mildly embarrassed, Carter looked at his feet and Chen was the only one that actually spoke up "So, it's true?".

Susan nodded and she waited for someone else to speak up but no one did. She dismissed everyone minus Luka who had been the night shift attending and was going to pass her his cases. She tried to listen as he presented her the patients, but her mind was far, far away.

She had just outed herself in front of  _everyone_. She knew she couldn't be fired, there were laws against discrimination and her record was spotless. Not a single malpractice charge in over ten years as a doctor, the hospital board had actually congratulated her on her work in the ER in their last meeting.

She realized Luka was watching her silently. She smiled and he continued presenting her the most critical patient they had who was still waiting for surgery.

He handed her the file and said softly "Take good care of her".

His deep tone and the intense look in his blue eyes made it clear that Kovac wasn't talking about the patient.

* * *

Like always at County, people moved on quickly to the latest piece of gossip: Luka was now going out with Sam, the nurse she had hired when Abby started her internship. It wasn't that they weren't curious about them anymore, they just didn't have much to dissect. She could feel people looking at them whenever Abby was called down but no one seemed to have a huge problem with it.

Susan overheard once a really rude comment from Frank but Jing-Mei actually told him off right there, saying that as a senior attending she wouldn't tolerate that kind of comment from him, especially when he was talking about the ER chief.

The same Jing-Mei that for a while kept trying to fix her up with a friend of hers from Northwestern "He's really cute, Susan…".

"Why don't  _you_  date him?", Susan said with a lopsided grin.

"No chemistry", she shrugged. Then she ventured and asked "So, it's really that serious. You and Abby".

Chen couldn't really understand any of this. They went out clubbing, drinking, flirting with  _men,_ the three of them.

Susan adjusted her stethoscope around her neck "It's working. When was the last time you heard me say that about any relationship?".

The other woman raised a brow at her and nodded "Point taken".

* * *

As Susan threw her yoga mat to the corner of the cupboard, she smiled at the picture before her. Oblivious of her presence, Abby was at the stove, humming away at some Tracy Chapman song blaring on VH1.

Abby jumped in surprise when she felt Susan's arms around her waist "Shit, you scared me!". The blonde chuckled against the nape of her neck "Sorry, didn't mean to… what are you making?".

"Chicken enchiladas", Abby smiled with confidence and Susan whispered against her ear "This is really nice…".

"Coming home to me cooking you dinner like a lil' good housewife?", Abby asked in jest and both chuckled at her words. Susan tightened the embrace and spoke just above a whisper "Coming home to  _you_ , yes… Why don't you move in here already?".

Abby turned in her arms, a twinkle in her eye " _What_?".

"You heard me… you're here all the time anyway and you mentioned the other day that your lease was almost up…", she punctuated her words with a tender kiss.

Abby felt strangely giddy and she crooked an eyebrow at her lover "What if we get on each other's nerves and can't stand being together anymore?".

"There's still the spare room if you feel like  _meditating_  or something…".

The brunette retorted "That's more your scene… my style is a much more  _brooding_  one… I get quiet. I shut people out".

"I know you do. And I promise I'll give you space when you don't feel like talking… but I should warn you… I turn into full blabbermouth mode when I'm nervous… Look, I want you here. Bring your stuff, we can redecorate and make it look more  _ours_ ".

Susan was saying all this really quickly, her hands rubbing up and down Abby's back. She was fidgeting, Abby could feel it, but it was one of the things she loved the most about Susan – how she never let fear hold her back.

Enjoying the sense of security that the feeling of their bodies pressed together provided, Abby pushed herself up onto her toes and stopped for a second to admire the amazingly loving eyes in front of her. She leaned just slightly to press a tender kiss to her mouth "Alright, let's do it".

* * *

Strolling down the alleys, Elizabeth contemplated the mess that her life had become.  _She_ , of all people, the wild kid that had drunkenly promised her best friend at Cambridge that she'd  _never_  become one of  _those_  women, had let herself get trapped into the safe bubble of domesticity, only to have it snatched it away from her after just a couple of years.

And what did it all amount to now? There she was, pushing forty and already a widow, with a four-year-old at home and literally no real friends in her life.

Elizabeth interrupted her wallowing fest when she noticed a familiar figure by Mark's grave. She rolled her eyes at Susan Lewis' presence, a little annoyed that  _she_  got there first, making her feel like a sham of a widow. She quickly shook her head reproachfully at her childish reasoning: Susan  _had_  been a friend of his until the end. Elizabeth remembered how disgusted she was at all the people that kept hugging and comforting her at his funeral - where the hell were they in the last months when she had to feed him, bath him and change his diapers?!

Susan was, in fact, the only one that kept visiting Mark.

And  _of course_  she remembered what day today was.

Three damn long years without him.

" _Susan_ ".

The blonde jumped in surprise, though she recognized the accented voice immediately "Elizabeth, hi. I was just about to leave", she tried to get up hastily but the redhead shook her head "No, please stay. It'll be nice to have company for once".

She watched as the surgeon got down gracefully on her haunches, her distant eyes avoiding contact with hers.

"I come here once in a while".

Corday nodded "I know, I pick up the dead flowers".

Susan could hear a tinge of resent in her words but if she still felt this bad about his death, she couldn't imagine what Elizabeth must feel like.

"I can't believe it's been three years already, time flies", she mused and Elizabeth shrugged her shoulders absentmindedly "Went painfully slow for me…".

The words made her face the surgeon properly for the first time. Elizabeth was a beautiful woman but the fire in her eyes was gone. Susan felt bad for not trying harder to befriend her, for not checking more often how she was. Mark would've liked that.

She pondered her words for a moment and then spoke gently "We loved each other but we never acted on it. Nothing ever happened, I never slept with him".

The redhead looked defensive "I  _never_  said you did...".

"But you thought so", Susan pressed.

"Well, I  _assumed_  so. He would get so excited when you called. Even when he was really sick, he already had facial paralysis but he always managed to crack a smile when I mentioned you'd come to visit. The  _bastard_. God, I miss him". Elizabeth started tearing up and Susan watched the peaceful green around them, hoping to ignore her own tears threatening to spill.

After a while, the curly haired woman spoke up again "Mark would have a stroke if he knew about you and Abby", she chuckled and Susan smiled at her words "You're probably right. I think his head would explode…".

"As much as I loved him, he was your average narrow minded American", she nodded knowingly into space and Susan looked at her with a mock hurt expression "Oh,  _really_?".

" _Please_. I was so shocked when I moved here by how much narrow minded people are", the British nodded slyly.

"How so?"

She tried to catch her curls in a ponytail and added "People were actually  _rude_  to me and Peter. Back when we were dating".

Susan looked at her skeptically "Peter, as in  _Peter Benton_?".

"Yes".

The blonde gasped "I  _never_  knew that! I can't believe you dated Peter Benton!". When she noticed the look on Corday's face, she rolled her eyes and added quickly "Not because he's black! You're like the polar opposite of him!".

Elizabeth laughed at that one "I  _know_! Well, it worked until he started acting really strange. Then I realized he'd never had a white girlfriend before and he didn't know how to deal with me and his family… So I shagged him one last time and broke up with him".

Susan boomed with laughter before she could think of how inappropriate it was to be having this conversation by Mark's grave. She stopped when she noticed Corday's eyes on her again "Mark would love to see you happy".

Both stayed silent until Elizabeth smiled gently "People can be really  _vicious_. Don't ever let anyone come between you two… Your happiness is just so…  _palpable_. It's written all over you".

She felt the smile breaking on her face and she decided she wanted them to be real friends "Why don't you join us for dinner later?".

The redhead shook her head "That's really nice of you, but I have Ella".

"Bring Ella. I haven't seen her in a while. Come on, we can diss everyone at the hospital. Abby always has the juiciest gossip", she winked.

"Okay, then. Thank you, Susan".

"My pleasure".

Susan looked up at the bright blue sky, knowing that wherever he was, Mark was watching her with that proud and caring smile that was only hers.

* * *

She watched as Abby packed a change of clothes into a travelling trolley and she sighed "What do we know?".

Abby kept packing, seemly in autopilot mode.

" _Abby_ ".

She turned around briskly "I have to get there before she kills herself. Turns out she's not taking her meds for weeks!".

Susan burrowed her hands further into her pockets "Okay. I'll go with you" and watched as Abby shook her head firmly "No, no, no. You know what, Susan? Just run! Run away from me, from all this mess! I'll never be able to give you a stable life, a proper family!".

The blonde didn't seem fazed by her words "You're overreacting".

As she looked around for her wallet, Abby kept on rambling "I don't even  _know_ what you see in me, but I'm warning you - just run. I don't wanna drag you to the shithole that is my life...".

Susan felt terrible for her because she knew how it felt like whenever she got those phone calls, usually to warn her that her sister was AWOL or that Suzie had been missing school. She approached her from behind, held her close and whispered into her hair "Stop it. I  _love_  you. Just let me call County first and we'll get a cab". Abby felt like a small child cradled in her arms and Susan only let her go when she felt her nodding timidly against her chest.

* * *

After they boarded the plane and fastened their seatbelts, Susan leaned and kissed her lovingly on the lips. When she pulled back, Abby looked around, a little embarrassed for being kissed like that in public "What was that for?".

Susan wanted all the years ahead of them - she wanted the kisses, but also the tears; she wanted them to live, to love and to fight together.

She turned her face just slightly and Abby could see all the emotions in her bright green eyes.

"It just felt like the right thing to do".

THE END

 


End file.
